Physician to the president Sean Conley revealed today that president Trump’s massive butt-cheek implants have been leaking lead into his bloodstream for months; maybe even years. “Symptoms of lead poisoning include learning disabilities, constipation, hyperactivity, and irritability,” Conley stated. “The … Continue reading President Trump’s thick butt-cheek implants are leaking lead into his bloodstream
In a show of solidarity with president Trump, prominent Republican lawmakers made waves today when they took a knee during the national anthem. Republicans say they’re protesting the impeachment hearings in Washington DC because they are “un-American.” “When something so … Continue reading Republicans kneel in protest during National Anthem at impeachment hearings
After demanding that the whistleblower be revealed at a Trump rally last night, Senator Rand Paul was met at the front door of his Bowling Green home by fellow libertarian and neighbor Tim Dunleavy who immediately began kicking the ever-living … Continue reading Rand Paul’s neighbor beats his ass again
President Donald Trump was severely burned today when he accidentally touched the Medal of Honor with his unworthy hands. Trump was awarding the medal to Conan – the dog injured in Syria during the killing of ISIS leader Abu Baker … Continue reading Unworthy, Trump burns hand on Medal of Honor while placing award on military dog
With a seemingly continuous turnover of advisors in the past three years, president Trump now finds himself being advised by six different handbag designers, including his daughter Ivanka. The White House maintains that only a small percentage of meetings are … Continue reading Majority of White House advisors are also handbag designers
In a sweeping move, president Trump signed an executive order today that pardons Republicans of any and all crimes. The order, which also releases any registered Republicans who are incarcerated, completely exonerates any future wrongdoings by right-wing public figures and … Continue reading Impeachment probe ends as Trump preemptively pardons all Republicans
The Trump administration announced today that pills filled with shredded money have been added to the official USDA Nutrition Plate at the request of Melania Trump. The First Lady says the president needs to ingest 16 of the money pills … Continue reading Melania Trump forces ‘money pills’ onto the USDA Nutrition Plate
With the announcement of the 26th Annual Darwin Awards, Donald Trump has found himself on the winner’s list. The leader of the free world tweeted about his accomplishment. Notably, Darwin Award winners are required to be sterile, display an astounding … Continue reading President Trump brags about winning a Darwin Award
Despite pushback from his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani, Congress says that president Trump will be tried as an adult throughout the impeachment process. “Mr. Trump throws tantrums, says everything is unfair, only wants junk food and has tiny hands,” Giuliani … Continue reading Breaking: Trump to be tried as an adult during impeachment
A visibly flush Nancy Pelosi revealed at a press conference today that the infamous Trump pee tape is now in the hands of the democrats. “The tape doesn’t add anything to the president’s laundry list of naughty, impeachable offenses,” Pelosi … Continue reading Pelosi: “We have the pee tape and it’s hot as hell”
President Trump left a depressing tweet up for nearly an hour before deleting it and tweeting out that “SAD” stands for “syked and determined.” Continue reading Depressed Trump tweets ‘Why doesn’t anyone really like me? Sad. So very very sad.’
President Trump’s fourth remedial English tutor in three years has quit, citing irreconcilable differences regarding words, their accurate usage, how they are spelled and their correct pronunciation. “Mr. Trump may ‘have the best words,’ but they’re frequently made-up or misspelled,” … Continue reading Trump’s 4th remedial English tutor quits citing irreconcilable differences
President Trump included over 1,750 nude photos of himself with whistleblower evidence that he sent to House Democrats. The naked images are making it nearly impossible for investigators to sift through information without becoming violently ill. “The impeachment inquiry is … Continue reading Trump releases thousands of nude photos to distract from impeachment proceedings
After mocking 16-year-old climate change activist Greta Thunberg, who has Asperger’s, president Donald Trump announced his new Be Bestest campaign that encourages belittling and name calling of kids ages zero to seventeen. “Why be best when you can be the … Continue reading Trump kicks off new ‘Be Bestest’ campaign celebrating the belittling of children
In a gross oversight, the Trump White House has built a border wall completely encompassing the state of New Mexico. State Governor Michelle Grisham spoke out about the new enclosure. “The border wall progress that president Trump kept touting was … Continue reading White House denies accidentally constructing a wall around New Mexico
Mensa – the largest and oldest high IQ society in the world – released a public statement today voicing concern over president Trump’s mental faculties. In a sympathetic letter, the organization strongly recommended that the president either resign or be … Continue reading Official Mensa statement says Trump’s exact IQ is 70.679
“As the AX-570 android referred to as “Barron” appeared to grow in its capacity to feel, perceive, and experience subjectivity, the android’s aggression toward president Trump grew exponentially.” Continue reading AX-570 android “Barron Trump” returned to a Japanese factory after malfunction causes it to attack
In a more than concerning display, President Trump live tweeted his bowel movement from the Oval Office toilet early this morning. Continue reading President Trump live tweets “Greatest Dump Ever” from Oval Office toilet
