Physician to the president Sean Conley revealed today that president Trump’s massive butt-cheek implants have been leaking lead into his bloodstream for months; maybe even years.

“Symptoms of lead poisoning include learning disabilities, constipation, hyperactivity, and irritability,” Conley stated. “The president checks all of those boxes, but it’s a small price to pay to look like Kim Kardashian.”

Trump campaign staffers say it’s unlikely the president will remove the implants as he uses them to clap for himself at rallies.