After months of clashing opinions on Iran, North Korea and Afghanistan, president Trump has asked John Bolton’s mustache to resign. “John’s mustache is big, bushy and beautiful. It tickles my nape,” Trump tweeted. “But it also picked Afghanistan-Iran-North Korea for … Continue reading John Bolton’s mustache forced to resign as National Security Advisor
A new poll on obesity by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, shows sixty-three percent of Americans would rather pee on Donald Trump every night for the rest of their lives than cook a healthy meal. “Most people said … Continue reading Poll: Majority of Americans would rather pee on Donald Trump than cook a healthy meal
The entire White House staff is being tested and many are being treated for syphilis. Experts are saying that the diagnosis makes sense as all the symptoms are present. “Syphilis-induced mental illness would explain the administration’s inability to make intelligent … Continue reading Most of the White House staff is being treated for syphilis
At a morning press conference at Camp David, President Trump managed to stun reporters when he said 10 words in a row that all worked to form both a complete thought and a grammatically correct sentence. The rare moment of … Continue reading Feeling cocky, President Trump strings together 10 words to form a complete, coherent sentence
The swing state of Florida, which is home to the notorious “Florida Man” constituency, is about to be hit by category-4 Hurricane Dorian. In an attempt to keep as many of his inept voters alive and happy, President Trump is … Continue reading Trump sends $1.3 billion in hurricane relief to help protect “Florida Man” constituency
President Trump wants to use nukes like they’re Flex Tape. A leaked memo from the White House depicts President Trump asking staffers to look into using “micro nukes” inside Trump National Doral Miami resort to clear out bedbugs back in … Continue reading Trump asked advisors if he could nuke bedbugs in his Doral Miami resort
Hillary Clinton made a surprise appearance at a Trump Rally in Altoona, Pennsylvania today where she shared a kiss with the president for National Kiss and Make Up Day. Continue reading Crowd chants “Knock her up! Knock her up!” as Trump, Clinton swap saliva on National Kiss and Make Up Day
ABC’s Dancing With The Stars announced today that they’ve cast of all 290 people who’ve left the Trump administration to fill the talent slots for the show’s next 24 seasons. Continue reading ABC just cast everyone who’s left the Trump administration to fill next 24 seasons of Dancing With The Stars
“Those familiar with the Bible will immediately know that this is The Mark of the Beast,” stated Carson while steepling his fingers and arching his eyebrows. Continue reading Inverted Cross on Trump’s Head a Sign of The Antichrist?
US Steel, the nation’s second largest producer of steel, will be laying off over 200 employees as a way of celebrating the impacts of Trump’s tariffs. “We’re doing so well that we’ve fulfilled all the orders,” US Steel CEO David … Continue reading US Steel fires 200 workers to celebrate success of Trump tariffs
After being called out on social media for having small crowds, paid attendees, and empty seats at rallies, the Trump reelection campaign has taken to filling seats with additional dummies. “This is a smart move by the Trump campaign; matching … Continue reading Trump fills empty seats at rallies with additional dummies
After being reminded countless times that Puerto Rico is a part of the United States, president Trump has decided to trade the island for Greenland. “Puerto Rico can’t get their act together,” Trump stated. “So we’re going to swap it … Continue reading President Trump says he’ll exchange Puerto Rico for Greenland
Multinational conglomerate 3M announced today that it’s parting ways with Donald Trump. The company says it will no longer sponsor or provide the president with free products to use as a tie clip. Continue reading 3M revokes scotch tape sponsorship for Donald Trump’s ties
“The words on that statue are welcoming to criminals and lowlifes.” Continue reading Trump: “We’re going to melt down the Statue of Liberty”
“In Narnia alone we lost centaurs, fauns – and some of them, I’m sure, were unicorns.”
Continue reading Sympathetic Biden and Trump express condolences after “shootings in Narnia, Middle-earth”
Trump went into vivid detail while describing the childhoods of famed rappers The Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac Shakur. Continue reading Trump Spends Entire Cincinnati Rally Explaining the Intricacies of the East Coast-West Coast Rap Rivalry to a Bewildered Crowd
“There’s a lot of geography going on over there,” Trump stated. “So I’ll be aiming straight south so there’s no surprises.” Continue reading North Korea Invites Trump to Launch Next Round of Test Missiles
