Unable to maintain their signature haircut or find a manager to demand to speak to, Karens everywhere have completely lost control of the only aspects of their lives they ever had a handle on. “It’s bad out there folks. Karens are getting harder to identify as their hair grows out” Karen expert Ashley Kitchings stated. “So, if you do have to go outside, we recommend that you bring binoculars and keep at least shouting distance away from all potential Karens.” Citizens should also be aware of what they are wearing when they leave the house. “Absolutely under no circumstance should anyone ever wear khakis and a red shirt or you will be mistaken for a Target employee,” Kitchings stated. “In general khakis are a bad idea.” In addition to the shortage of managers and closed hair salons, Karens are now being bombarded with news about vaccines. “Karens are almost exclusively anti-vaxxers, so the coronavirus situation and talks of vaccines is driving them wild,” Kitchings stated. “They’re now deeply torn on the issue because on one hand they want to be right, but on the other they don’t want to die.” As of press time a “complaint of Karens” – the term for a large group of Karens – was headed toward a Kansas City Walmart to purchase and then angrily return items. Experts believe that it’s only a matter of time before Karens across the US find out that Walmarts, and several other stores, are still open.
Our Divine Creator who lives in the heavens finally lost His holy shit with the ungodly Hobby Lobby today after the company refused to close its doors during the pandemic; putting underpaid workers and customers at risk. As punishment, God gave owners David and Barbara Green the coronavirus. “First they did the birth control thing, then they purchased stolen ancient artifacts, and on top of that they loathe the gays,” God stated. “So Barbara might call herself the ‘prayer warrior’ of her family, and claim that she talks to me, but I just gave that heartless liar the coronavirus.”
(Moreno Valley, CA) Landlord Ed Stallword, who manages several Southern California duplexes, is being deemed a “creepy hero” after allowing his tenants to pay their monthly rent with a lock of hair. Residents say they find Stallword to be both kind-hearted and off-putting. “He refused to tell me what he was doing with my hair,” resident Ashley Reynolds stated. “But honestly I’m only slightly disgusted. Ed’s a real angel. An unpleasant, frightening angel.” Meanwhile, other landlords have followed Stallword’s lead, allowing for rent payments in the form of toenail clippings, dirty underwear, and pictures of feet.
President Trump has finally used the Defense Production Act by ordering IKEA to manufacture and ship half a million unassembled beds to hospitals in New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago. IKEA, which is headquartered in the Netherlands, does not fall under US law and therefore cannot be told what to do by Trump. “The daybeds ordered by the president take, on average, 3.5 hours to assemble,” IKEA CEO Jesper Brodin stated. “Hospitals are indeed thanking IKEA for not going ahead with the president’s demands as they do not have the time, staffing, or space to be assembling the furniture.” Just minutes after the IKEA announcement president Trump ordered Spirit Halloween and Party City to provide one million masks to medical facilities across the country. “I don’t care what they look like,” Trump told reporters in an address. “They can be Chucky, Jason, or even Freddie – it doesn’t matter – just get them the masks.” As of press time the president was being told that not only are Halloween masks ineffective against the virus, but that they are also manufactured in China.
(Denver, CO) Local man Peter Darling says the unadjustable, nearly-freezing cold water in his workplace restroom is most likely not killing off the Coronavirus, or any other germs for that matter. “If anything, we’re probably giving the virus a nice, soothing bath while our hands go numb from 20 seconds of ice cold water,” the 70-year old Darling stated. In response Darling – who has around a 10% chance of dying from the virus – was told that the cold tap water was the result of the company not wanting to be sued should an employee burn themselves. “First and foremost, we take employee safety very seriously,” a company representative stated between coughs. “Secondly, the last thing we want is a bunch of employees walking around with burns, unable to shake hands with our clients. So for those two reasons, the tap water will remain at a safe and reasonable 40-degrees.”
USA Today has gone ahead and finally settled the long debate over what tastes better: eating ass or gagging on an In-N-Out burger. Using over 100 volunteers, the newspaper had participants blindfolded before being told to stick their tongues out. Reporters then rubbed either someone’s asshole, or an In-N-Out burger on their tongue. The tongues were then cleaned, and the process was repeated once more with either the beef patty or the back pussy. The participants were then asked to rate the two different flavors. According to USA Today, In-N-Out Burger placed 4th; right after taint, balls, and ass. Reporters confirmed that they had not thought about how ticklish the asshole is; resulting in some vertical and lateral movement of the ass that landed tongues squarely on the taint or balls: both of which taste better than In-N-Out.
Woke Methamphetamine user Greg Simms of Mobile, Alabama, and tens of thousands of drug users around the world, are refusing to use meth made with Pfizer’s Advil Cold & Sinus. The movement comes in response to the company’s direct role in the opioid epidemic in which Pfizer maliciously funneled Oxycontin through skeezy doctors for years; contributing to countless deaths. “As a result of Pfizer’s actions, meth users everywhere have made the conscious decision to ethically source our ingredients from Pfizer’s competitor Johnson & Johnson,” a nearly toothless Simms stated. “Plus, it’s worth noting that Sudafed is toxin-free, so you get a smooth, zero-guilt hit every time.” As of press time, Johnson & Johnson stock was up 11% – completely offsetting last weeks plummet after it was discovered that their baby powder can cause cancer.