Former richest man in the world Elon Musk was overtaken today by Reddit user dildo_swaggins69 after the amateur investor managed to turn investments in Gamestop, AMC, and Dogecoin into more than $277 billion over the course of a week. When reached for comment on how it felt to become the richest person in the world so quickly, the anonymous dildo-swaggins69 stated, “Together apes strong 🦍. Buy and hold r*****s. To the fucking moooon! 🚀🚀🚀 Let’s go0o0oo!” Notably, several other Reddit users, including OwenWilsonsNose, Intradouching_Myself, JustThepenisTip, and BreadPitt have also become billionaires overnight.
36-year-old Karen Howard of Ontario, CA just realized that the vibrant pink Mary Kay Mercedes she’s driving is an announcement to the world that she’s part of a pyramid scheme. Howard says she can’t believe that she’s spent two years on the road advertising that she’s a terrible human who takes advantage of others. “Now that I think about it, my friends and family basically paid for this car due to me guilting them into buying my products,” Howard stated. “My God. What have I become!?” As of early morning, Howard says she was looking for different work and that so far Avon or Cutco were looking pretty promising. “It’s amazing how many jobs there are out there that only require a couple hundred dollars up front to get started and there’s no stressful interviews to do,” Howard smiled. By late afternoon Howard had already rented a storage unit to keep her Cutco knives and Avon makeup.
With an early version of the president’s latest executive order having been shown to the press, reporters are now saying that Donald Trump plans to create “government watch lists” based on how users interact and behave on social media. Trump says the government will also be the judge of whether or not a social media platform has engaged in unfair or deceptive censorship and will be providing a way for users to submit complaints to the Department of Justice and the Federal Trade Commission. What do you think?
A source from the White House confirmed today that the staff is making desperate attempts to get president Trump to take the COVID-19 pandemic seriously. Just this morning White House aides grabbed a marker and a piece of paper and wrote down the number 100,000 before holding it up to the president and explaining that this was how many Americans have died. Trump showed no reaction. Staff then rewrote the number by adding a money symbol before it and tacking on a comma with three zeroes after it. “We then showed Mr. Trump the piece of paper, which read $100,000,000, and his eyes got wide,” an aide stated. “We lied and said this is the amount of money Mr. Trump’s businesses would lose if he doesn’t take stronger action.” As of press time Trump was wearing a mask and giving an unrehearsed speech informing citizens of the great and tragic loss of money that he could endure if Americans don’t practice social distancing and wear masks. “Listen up folks! If we don’t take this virus seriously, I will lose a lot of money!” Trump shouted. “You should see the number. It’s beyond comprehension. Many people don’t understand it because there’s a lot of zeroes and a lot of commas in that number, but together we can save my wealth, which has been under attack from the Chinese Virus ever since it escaped from Wuhan.”
Despite being unable to utilize most office space or conference rooms, tech companies across the United States are pushing to reopen offices so that workers can commute to their Zoom meetings; serving as a firm reminder that employee autonomy only goes so far. “Although conducting Zoom meetings from home was working fine, it’s super nice to see the familiar faces of my coworkers from 6-feet away, covered by a mask. The camaraderie is definitely worth raising your chances of getting the virus, and it’s a good reminder of who’s really in charge,” IT manager Martin Reddy stated. Photo by Anna Shvets
Lines, foot traffic, parking, and people have now become reasonable at Costco locations across the country thanks to a nationwide boycott of the chain by idiots who refuse to follow the store’s mask-wearing requirement. Costco says the boycott has ‘undoubtedly improved’ the quality of its clientele. “In all fairness, we probably should have had some basic intelligence requirements to join Costco in the first place,” CEO Walter Jelinek stated. “This would have lessened the crowding issues we had and taken care of those idiots who block entire aisles with their carts.” Costco says that since the start of the boycott, revenue has – for the most part – remained steady and customers have reported a much more pleasant shopping experience. “Grocery shopping isn’t necessarily all that fun to begin with,” Costco customer Steven Pryor stated. “But I have to say it’s quite nice to not have to constantly dodge morons who lack spacial awareness.” As of press time, Costco says they’ll be permanently banning shoppers who try to enter their stores without a mask and donating their prorated membership balance to purchase face masks for essential workers.