Canada Will Ban All Single-Use Condoms by 2021

We can’t have Canada smelling like burnt, used condoms anymore,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau stated.


Greenpeace Tells Americans: “Wipe Your Butts With Your Hands”

“Who cares if you can’t wash the smell off, you’ve saved an orangutan!”

Tim Cook Swallows an Entire iPhone XS Max to Prove It’s Environmentally Friendly

“I’m sorry. I didn’t get that,” Siri apologized as a wide-eyed Cook choked on a chunk of the XS Max.

Green Chicago River Full of Vomit by 10 AM

“We’re just going to burn the alcohol-laced vomit off like every year, that’s where the city gets its signature smell.” – Chicago Gov. J.B. Pritzker

Trump Signs Reckless ‘Paperless Earth’ Green Initiative Into Law


A painting by President George W. Bush shows his prediction of the future.

Breaking: Pope Francis Admits to Marijuana Usage


The Pope’s admission of cannabis usage understandably resulted in many follow-up questions. Lauren Green, Chief Religion Correspondent for the Fox News Channel, asked Pope Francis why he felt that he was “in any position to speak against so-called ‘modern capitalism’.”

Plastic Bags Banned in Lexington, Kentucky


“We need to seriously reduce the amount of plastic-related deaths in Lexington,” Connor said.

The Lexington ban will leave ‘breathable’ paper bags as the only option for local residents. Restrictions on bags include all sizes of plastic trash/garbage bags, clear Ziplock bags, slider grip bags, and, – at Connors request – laboratory mini-grip re-sealing bags and specimen transportation bags.

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