Bidens Hire Elizabeth Warren to Sage White House Before Move In

Bidens Hire Elizabeth Warren to Sage White House Before Move In

Joe Biden has reportedly agreed to hire Elizabeth Warren to cleanse the White House with sage before moving in. The decision comes after Warren reached out to the Bidens yesterday, telling them that she was concerned the building needed “an … Continue reading Bidens Hire Elizabeth Warren to Sage White House Before Move In

Joe biden says hell still visit donald trump in prison despite white house invite snub

Biden Says He’ll ‘Still Visit Trump In Prison’ Despite No White House Invite

When asked today how he felt about the Trumps not following tradition and inviting his family to the White House, Joe Biden told reporters that he wasn’t bothered by it at all. “It’s no skin off my nose! We all … Continue reading Biden Says He’ll ‘Still Visit Trump In Prison’ Despite No White House Invite

Supreme Court Congratulates Joe Biden on Win and Says No Voter Fraud in election

Supreme Court Congratulates Biden, Says ‘No Evidence of Voter Fraud’

The US Supreme Court issued a rare message to the general public today letting the country know that they’d “gladly take on an election case if there were any real [expletive] evidence of voter fraud.” “Although we have taken on … Continue reading Supreme Court Congratulates Biden, Says ‘No Evidence of Voter Fraud’

absent minded democrats forget to rig house and senate races

Absent-Minded: Democrats Forget to Rig House & Senate Races

Having successfully rigged the 2020 presidential election for Joe Biden, Democrats are just now realizing that they forgot to cheat in all of the House and Senate races that took place across the country. “Whoops! We fixed the election for … Continue reading Absent-Minded: Democrats Forget to Rig House & Senate Races

Angry Drivers Honk as Obama Delivers Speech in Middle of I-76

Angry Philadelphia Drivers Honk as Obama Delivers Speech in Middle of I-76

Desperately seeking to grab the nation’s attention, former President Barack Obama set up a stage and a podium in the middle of Philadelphia’s I-76 and delivered an impassioned speech denouncing Donald Trump this afternoon. Despite repeated and raucous honking, Obama … Continue reading Angry Philadelphia Drivers Honk as Obama Delivers Speech in Middle of I-76

Jerry Springer to Moderate next presidential debate

Jerry Springer to Moderate Next Presidential Debate With Steve Wilkos as Security

The next presidential debate has been officially rebranded as ‘The 2020 Presidential Debate With Jerry Springer,’ as the former TV show host and pseudo-celebrity is set to moderate. The Commission on Presidential Debates confirmed that the October 15th Miami debate … Continue reading Jerry Springer to Moderate Next Presidential Debate With Steve Wilkos as Security

Biden Asks Am I crazy or should i be winning by a lot

Biden Questions Own Mental Health: ‘Am I Crazy? Shouldn’t I Be Winning By, Like, A Lot?’

A visibly frustrated and bewildered Joe Biden asked a group of reporters today – out loud – if he was losing his mind, questioning “Am I fucking crazy? Shouldn’t I be winning by, like, a lot?” “I feel like I’m … Continue reading Biden Questions Own Mental Health: ‘Am I Crazy? Shouldn’t I Be Winning By, Like, A Lot?’

Ghostly Hologram of John McCain to Endorse Joe Biden at Democratic National Convention

According to staff working the event, the Democratic National Convention will include a hologram of deceased Senator John McCain who will be endorsing Joe Biden. Republicans are calling the move disrespectful, despite Democrats having received permission from McCain’s family. President … Continue reading Ghostly Hologram of John McCain to Endorse Joe Biden at Democratic National Convention

AARP Poll Ranks Biden as Being ‘Decidedly More Fuckable’ Than Trump

The American Association of Retired People (AARP) released a new poll today revealing that, when forced to choose, 87% of Americans over 50 would prefer to have sex with Joe Biden over Donald Trump. Reasons cited by the more than … Continue reading AARP Poll Ranks Biden as Being ‘Decidedly More Fuckable’ Than Trump

Biden Doubles Down, Says ‘40% of Americans Are Rinky Dinky Chicken Shits’

Joe Biden issued a stunning correction today after claiming that “10 to 15% of Americans are not very good people.” Rather than try to smooth things over, Biden doubled down. “I am deeply sorry if I have offended anyone with … Continue reading Biden Doubles Down, Says ‘40% of Americans Are Rinky Dinky Chicken Shits’

‘If You Like Your Skin Color, You Can Keep It’ Trump Reassures Black Supporters

After a morning interview in which former Vice President Joe Biden told black Americans “you ain’t black” if you are voting for Trump, president Trump fired back with two tweets, drawing a sharp contrast between the two candidates. Continue reading ‘If You Like Your Skin Color, You Can Keep It’ Trump Reassures Black Supporters

Majority of White House advisors are also handbag designers

With a seemingly continuous turnover of advisors in the past three years, president Trump now finds himself being advised by six different handbag designers, including his daughter Ivanka. The White House maintains that only a small percentage of meetings are … Continue reading Majority of White House advisors are also handbag designers

Completely unhinged, Rudy Giuliani strips naked on live TV during an incoherent rant

Hours after an incriminating interview with CNN’s Chris Cuomo, Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani came sprinting back on set shouting something about Ukraine; interrupting a live broadcast by anchor Brooke Baldwin. Fuming mad, Giuliani began flailing around and screeching before tearing … Continue reading Completely unhinged, Rudy Giuliani strips naked on live TV during an incoherent rant