President Trump signed an executive order today that pardoned himself for “any and all crimes in the past, present, or future” – ensuring that even if he loses the election that he will still have absolute immunity for the rest of his life.

“I’m not saying that I did anything wrong, but if I did I didn’t mean to; it was an accident,” Trump stated. “And if I did, it’s not really a big deal because others have done far worse. And if I accidentally commit more crimes in the future it won’t matter because I’m signing this executive order right now.”