A day after it was announced that both the CDC and FDA do not think a third COVID shot is necessary, Pfizer employees were spotted in back alleys across the nation trying to sell the company’s now huge surplus of … Continue reading Pfizer Caught Peddling Surplus Of Unwanted Booster Vaccines In Nation’s Back Alleys
The Center For Disease Control issued a warning today to the American public letting them know that “the same people who enjoy cosplaying as a ‘good-guy-with-a-gun’ are now also pretending that they are vaccinated.” “They are lying again,” head of … Continue reading CDC Warns That People Who Cosplay As Open Carry Heroes Are Now Also Pretending To Be Vaccinated
Dr. Anthonoy Fauci released a statement today warning Americans that as mask mandates are lifted “it will become harder and harder to spot the assholes in a crowd.” “Watching people scream in public and refuse to wear masks will soon … Continue reading Fauci Warns ‘It’ll Be Harder To Spot The Assholes’ As Mask Mandates Are Lifted
Moderna announced today that the pharmaceutical company was in the final stages of testing a new suppository for the approximately 65 million Americans who are afraid of needles (trypanophobia). Notably, during the study, scientists made the shocking discovery that the … Continue reading Moderna To Offer New Suppository For 20% Of Americans Who Are Afraid Of Needles
A loud minority of Americans are currently refusing to be injected with the COVID vaccine due to unfounded concerns that the shots will change their DNA. “Despite the fact that mRNA vaccines do not impact or interact with your DNA … Continue reading Individuals Fearful Of Vaccine Are Same People Who’d Benefit From DNA Change
White House chief of staff Mark Meadows has ordered FDA chief Dr. Stephen Hahn to either authorize the Pfizer vaccine by the end of today or submit his letter of resignation. The ultimatum comes despite countless, repeated remarks from the … Continue reading White House Frantically Demands Vaccine Be Approved Today Despite Virus Being ‘No Worse Than Flu’
Citing the fact that the New York Jets are incapable of catching anything, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the 0-11 team is now exempt from the league’s COVID rules. “Since they clearly couldn’t catch anything to save their … Continue reading Unable to Catch Anything, NY Jets Now Exempt From NFL’s COVID Rules
(Brookfield, WI) After overeating during her Thanksgiving meal with lots of friends and family, Grandma Gertrude Sullivan will nod off in her comfy recliner for a few hours in a food coma; like she does every year. Just a few … Continue reading Grandma’s Food Coma Followed By Actual Coma, Death This Thanksgiving
Muttering to himself “it had better fucking work this time,” Donald Trump held up a box of rat poison today and told supporters that it was yet another cure for COVID-19. Privately, Trump admitted that the move was just another … Continue reading Trump Tells Supporters to Eat Deadly Rat Poison
