Senator Rand Paul incorrectly asserted today that New York City has achieved herd immunity from COVID-19 and that the rest of the US should follow suit. Paul then proceeded to get down on his knees to lick and slobber on … Continue reading Rand Paul Licks & Slobbers on Door Handle While Encouraging Americans to Achieve Herd Immunity
CDC Director Robert Redfield told a Senate panel today that he believes a COVID-19 vaccine should be available soon and that “US citizens can expect to return to their normal, shitty lives by the end of 2021.” “We know the … Continue reading CDC: Expect a Return to Your Normal, Shitty Life By the End of 2021
Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards was strong-armed into beginning Phase 3 of reopening today despite COVID-19 cases in his state being on the rise. Edwards says the move is “not ideal, but necessary” due to the fact that citizens said … Continue reading Louisiana to Bring Back Football, Warns of 100% Death Rate to Those Who Stand In the Way
President Trump has been trying to downplay his flatulence problem since journalist and author Bob Woodward released 18 recordings today in which the president is heard audibly farting nearly 150 times. In one interview alone, back in February, Trump farted … Continue reading Bob Woodward Records 147 Audible Farts During Trump Interviews
Muttering to himself “it had better fucking work this time,” Donald Trump held up a box of rat poison today and told supporters that it was yet another cure for COVID-19. Privately, Trump admitted that the move was just another … Continue reading Trump Tells Supporters to Eat Deadly Rat Poison
The band Smash Mouth is being blamed for more than 100 COVID-19 cases after they performed at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota on August 9th. Despite social distancing and mask wearing not being enforced at the event, truth … Continue reading False Flag: Media Claims 100+ People Willingly Attended a Smash Mouth Concert & Got COVID
An all-new epidemic has hit social media during COVID-19 and it’s dumber, yet somehow more complicated than baking and eating an entire loaf of sourdough bread. Presenting the charcuterie board! Charcuterie boards are glorified Lunchables for adults. They’re stupid planks … Continue reading Hot COVID Trends: Taking Pictures of Scraps of Food On a Wooden Plank
A new study by the University of Oxford shows that oleandrin, a deadly poison extract from the oleander plant, is just as effective at curing COVID-19 as smothering someone to death with a MyPillow®. The news comes just days after … Continue reading Study Shows Oleandrin Cures COVID Just as Effectively as Smothering Someone to Death with a MyPillow®
With misinformation running rampant across the US, a new ‘COVID-19 For Dummies’ book series created to spread truth has taken over the New York Times Best-Sellers list just two days after they hit the shelves. Notably, the books are said … Continue reading New ‘For Dummies’ COVID Book Series Takes Over NY Times Best-Sellers List
(The Astral Plane) Tensions are running high in Heaven tonight as the 170,000+ Americans who have died from COVID-19 are protesting God for taking the wrong Trump. Authorities say the protests, which are being led by the late father of … Continue reading Heaven: 170,000 COVID Victims Protest God For Taking Wrong Trump
(The Astral Plane) After being essentially hands-off for millennia, the Devil and God stunned the world today when they publicly begged conservatives in America to stop screwing around and take the pandemic seriously. Both rulers reported that their individual dominions … Continue reading The Devil & God Beg Conservatives to ‘Get Their Shit Together’ as Heaven & Hell Near Capacity
President Trump put out a statement today in which he said he would be banning all dating apps with an executive order in the coming week. The move comes after experts found that random sexual encounters were fueling the pandemic. … Continue reading Trump to Ban Dating Apps as Fauci Calls For ‘Slut Shaming’ to Curb Pandemic
Over 22,400 Americans have choked to death in 2020 – more than four times the yearly average. Experts say the cause is an uptick in less intelligent Americans finally agreeing to wear masks and then forgetting to remove them before … Continue reading Are Masks Safe?: Choking Deaths Quadruple as Americans Forget to Remove Masks Before Eating
Photo Credit Daniel Lobo Continue reading COVID-19 Denier Now Permanently 6 Feet Away From Everyone
SpaceX astronauts Robert Behnken and Douglas Hurley are refusing orders to return to Earth this weekend, citing the uncontrolled spread of coronavirus and social unrest in their home country of the United States. “Although we have already carried out our … Continue reading SpaceX Astronauts Refusing to Return to Earth ‘Until The US Gets Its Shit Together’
Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos announced her new ‘A Few Children Left Behind Program’ today which will allow schools to reopen on time in a limited capacity. Devos says that she’ll be sending the 10 least promising students per classroom … Continue reading ‘A Few Children Left Behind Program’ Will Send Least Promising Kids to School to See If Classrooms Are Safe
Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters today that for the past two months he had been “dressing up as a hot lady named Dr. Antonia Fauciano” for briefings with Donald Trump in order to deter the president from firing him. Fauci … Continue reading Dr. Fauci: ‘I Dressed Up As a Hot Lady to Deter Trump From Firing Me’
According to a leaked memo, Fox News anchors are now only allowed to refer to COVID-19 deaths as “meetings with Jesus.” Many are calling the move a shamefully transparent attempt to influence public perception of the White House’s handling of … Continue reading Fox News Is Now Calling Coronavirus Deaths ‘Meetings With Jesus’
