Since Starbucks released its Pumpkin Spice latte back in 2003 Americans have recycled the same tired jokes about basic bitch valley girls, UGG boots, North Face vests and sucking down concentrated type-2 diabetes. Scientists now say that after 16 years the pumpkin spice problem can only be killed one way: Everyone needs to shut the fuck up about it. “It’s apparent that the pumpkin spice addicts have no taste or shame,” head researcher Veronica Dayton stated. “However, they do crave attention. So it’s really time that we all just shut the fuck up, ignore their Instagram posts, and wait until they die from attention starvation.”
In an effort to “lure those who have given up on life” into their restaurants, KFC is now selling a 3,450 calorie fried Chicken & Donut sandwich meant to induce heart attacks while offering to dump hot coffee all over guests’ crotches. “We’ve used real tears of underpaid workers to give the donuts a salty-sweet glaze,” KFC CEO Roger Eaton stated. “Then we deep fry the chicken in a vat of employee sweat to get that taste of utter despair packed into every savory bite. And then, for just $1 more, we’ll pour piping hot coffee down the front of your pants.” Eaton says that the scalding hot coffee in your lap and Chicken & Donut sandwich will remain on the menu until the company is hit with a class action lawsuit.
Japan will resume the commercial killing of overweight citizens in an effort to curb the population of the island and supplement dwindling soybean supplies.
Booker’s 15 minute ventriloquism act included a perfectly performed impersonation of Sesame Street’s best-known character.
“I think that my aunt needing 57 stitches in the buttcheeks and rectal region is a strong selling point for the product.” – Kholer President & CEO
The 1,750 calorie meal has made its return for the month of February only.
Female researches have remained cold and distant, uninterested in helping to solve this growing problem.