President Donald Trump was severely burned today when he accidentally touched the Medal of Honor with his unworthy hands. Trump was awarding the medal to Conan – the dog injured in Syria during the killing of ISIS leader Abu Baker – when the injury occurred. Advisors had already warned the president not to touch the prestigious award after witnessing the medal immediately kill a cockroach that had come in contact with it. Photo by David Holt Advertisements
Going strong in her 86th year, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg spent her Wednesday morning at Fatty’s Tattoos and Piercings on Connecticut Avenue in D.C. getting her 9th tattoo which reads “JUDG LYFE” across her knuckles. Ginsburg, who is very active in the local skate community, has also been recognized for her amazing skating skills and her affinity for smoking cannabis in recent news.
The White House’s monthly horoscope for the president was leaked this morning and Donald Trump is not pleased. The official document, which is used to guide the president, says Trump is expected to have a rocky month. “Fearless leader and Gemini,” Trump’s horoscope reads. “Trying to keep up appearances is taking its toll, so if you’re not exactly in the social butterfly mood, that’s something the American people need to understand.” “If the Democrats are pushing you out, let them know right away that you are looking for a break from the action,” the official government document suggested. “It might be time to put your personal lawyer in storage, stop digging your own grave, and pick out a nice new narrative. Command the chaos by bringing some fresh distractions into your fictional world.” Photo credit
NASA is in hot water again today after providing female astronauts with high heels for the first all-female spacewalk outside of the International Space Station. After not having enough spacesuits for women for a canceled mission earlier this year, NASA is now facing criticism for blatant sexism from several women’s rights groups. To make matters worse, the astronauts caused damage to the exterior of the space station when a Christian Louboutin heel shattered a $1.7 million solar panel and punctured a backup pressure valve. As a gesture of good faith, NASA says they’re sending up rolls of quarters for the women to use in the feminine hygiene dispensers.
The NFL announced today that they’ve begun an investigation into the role of the so-called ‘Madden Curse’ in connection to concussions and other injuries. The league now believes that the curse extends to all players, not just those featured on the cover of the Madden football games. “We’re not saying all injuries are from the curse, but it’s probably at least 85 percent,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated. “Football is a safe, but haunted sport.” Moving forward, Goodell has asked former player Tim Tebow to organize a large-scale blessing so that God can not only pick winners, but also keep all of the players safe. Photo by Erin Costa
A wild beaver somehow managed to sneak into one of Elizabeth Warren’s campaign headquarters and corner the presidential front runner for over four hours this morning. Warren says she’s doing fine and that this wasn’t her first encounter with a beaver. “I’ve done my fair share of experimenting in college,” Warren smiled. “It’s gonna take a lot more than a beaver to get me rattled. Don’t threaten me with a good time!”