President Donald Trump was severely burned today when he accidentally touched the Medal of Honor with his unworthy hands. Trump was awarding the medal to Conan – the dog injured in Syria during the killing of ISIS leader Abu Baker … Continue reading Unworthy, Trump burns hand on Medal of Honor while placing award on military dog
Going strong in her 86th year, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg spent her Wednesday morning at Fatty’s Tattoos and Piercings on Connecticut Avenue in D.C. getting her 9th tattoo which reads “JUDG LYFE” across her knuckles. Ginsburg, who is … Continue reading 86-year-old Ruth Bader Ginsburg tattoos “JUDG LYFE” on her knuckles
NASA is in hot water again today after providing female astronauts with high heels for the first all-female spacewalk outside of the International Space Station. After not having enough spacesuits for women for a canceled mission earlier this year, NASA … Continue reading High heels damage Space Station during first all-female spacewalk
The NFL announced today that they’ve begun an investigation into the role of the so-called ‘Madden Curse’ in connection to concussions and other injuries. The league now believes that the curse extends to all players, not just those featured on … Continue reading NFL investigating role of the ‘Madden Curse’ in hundreds of concussions, injuries
A wild beaver somehow managed to sneak into one of Elizabeth Warren’s campaign headquarters and corner the presidential front runner for over four hours this morning. Warren says she’s doing fine and that this wasn’t her first encounter with a … Continue reading A Beaver trapped Elizabeth Warren in the corner of her Indianapolis campaign office for four hours
Three week old Douglas Sommers learns about honeycombs at Asheville, North Carolina’s annual Babies and Bee’s Festival. Photo Credit: Sandra Jackson Continue reading Snapshot: Newborns learn about beekeeping in Asheville, NC
With a seemingly continuous turnover of advisors in the past three years, president Trump now finds himself being advised by six different handbag designers, including his daughter Ivanka. The White House maintains that only a small percentage of meetings are … Continue reading Majority of White House advisors are also handbag designers
An unhinged Rudy Giuliani went on NBC’s Meet the Press this morning to announce that he is now being possessed and legally represented by deceased criminal lawyer Johnnie Cochran. According to Giuliani, the famed O.J. Simpson lawyer took over his … Continue reading Rudy Giuliani says he’s hired the ghost of Johnnie Cochran as his defense lawyer
In a sweeping move, president Trump signed an executive order today that pardons Republicans of any and all crimes. The order, which also releases any registered Republicans who are incarcerated, completely exonerates any future wrongdoings by right-wing public figures and … Continue reading Impeachment probe ends as Trump preemptively pardons all Republicans
“I never thought I’d have to say this, but my boobs are down there.” Continue reading Tired of excessive eye contact, women are going braless after ‘Me Too’
An industry-wide spike in the price of birth control has bumped the average monthly cost from $47 up to $125, forcing many women to have to choose between a pill that prevents pregnancy and a hideous article of clothing that … Continue reading A spike in birth control costs is hampering women’s ability to buy mom jeans
Scientists at NASA were stunned today when the Curiosity rover came across a toy doll while it was exploring Mars’ Gale Crater. Experts have no explanation for how the strange doll got there. Continue reading NASA’s Curiosity rover finds creepy doll in Mars’ Gale Crater
Elizabeth Warren used National Coming Out Day as an opportunity to officially tell the world that she is both bisexual and polyamorous. The presidential front runner made the announcement on NPR. “I put the ‘B’ in LGBT,” Warren laughed. “I’m … Continue reading Elizabeth Warren reveals she’s bisexual and polyamorous on National Coming Out Day
After 17 years of selling oversized, rotisserie rats, Costco has announced that they will no longer offer the popular rodent; citing yearly losses of over $30 million from the unsustainably low prices. Continue reading Costco to stop selling giant, rotisserie rats shaped like chickens for $4.99
Mental health organizations across the world are using World Mental Health Day to remind men to keep their problems to themselves. “Real men never share their feelings, so it’s important that you catch yourself if you accidentally begin to open … Continue reading Men reminded to sort their shit out privately on World Mental Health Day
The Trump administration announced today that pills filled with shredded money have been added to the official USDA Nutrition Plate at the request of Melania Trump. The First Lady says the president needs to ingest 16 of the money pills … Continue reading Melania Trump forces ‘money pills’ onto the USDA Nutrition Plate
With the announcement of the 26th Annual Darwin Awards, Donald Trump has found himself on the winner’s list. The leader of the free world tweeted about his accomplishment. Notably, Darwin Award winners are required to be sterile, display an astounding … Continue reading President Trump brags about winning a Darwin Award
