WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a grotesque spectacle, President Donald Trump is defending his now-viral Big Mac cheese mustache he wore while signing executive orders that targeted sanctuary cities, insisting the look was entirely “intentional.”
Reporters were quick to point out the gooey mess on his face as Trump entered the room after finishing his lunch.
“I meant to do this,” Trump slurred, as a greasy streak of melted cheese dripped off his upper lip onto his sleeve. “This isn’t an accident,” he said as he began sucking on his shirt, “It’s all part of the message. Nobody’s ever seen a mustache like this!”
The unexpected facial accessory, a congealed slab of hitler-shaped American cheese, continued dripping onto the executive orders as Trump rambled about sanctuary cities and his vision for immigration reform, though the room’s attention had long since shifted to the tragic state of his face.
“Let me tell you, this is America,” he continued, pausing to dab at his lip with a $100 bill already soaked halfway through with burger grease. “The Big Mac — best burger in the world, strongest cheese — and it’s American cheese, folks. Just like our borders should be: thick, sticky, and impossible to cross. You see the cheese?” he said, pointing wildly under his nose. “That’s like the sanctuary cities that are under my eye. I’ve got ‘em trapped. And soon?” He paused, peeled the cheese off his own face, and eating it in one bite. “I’m gonna devour them. Just like that. Beautiful.”
Trump’s administration insists that the cheese mustache was a calculated political move, describing it as a “visual metaphor for strength, patriotism, and dominance.”
“He’s always thinking outside the burger box,” one advisor said, visibly exhausted. “This is a man who doesn’t just talk about winning. He shows you. With cheese. On his face.”
Critics, however, were less impressed, with congressman Bernie Sanders remarking, “The man was signing fascist immigration orders while covered in greasy cheese. I don’t know whether to be horrified or saddened that Adolf Swiss-ler didn’t choke mid-sentence.”