Austin, TX — In a move that feels straight out of Black Mirror, Tesla announced it is rolling out an over-the-air update that not only disables Autopilot in areas where it’s not legally approved but also reveals a shocking secret: hidden dash cameras have been recording all Tesla drivers all along.
And, in true Elon Musk fashion, he’s decided to take it a step further—by personally live-streaming footage of awful drivers exclusively on his social platform, X, to a worldwide audience and roasting them in real-time.
“I’ve been watching the whole time,” Musk announced. “And I think we all knew about the texting, the scrolling, and the snacking: but the fapping and the napping? This is wild! I’ve decided the world’s going to see that too! Look, I’m just here to keep you safe… and maybe have a little fun. Is that so bad? The future requires accountability and this is way more entertaining than Twitter ever was!”
“ELON’S WATCHING!? I Thought It Was Just Me and PornHub!?”
Tesla owners are reeling from the revelation that their commutes, car sex, and road trips were never private at all. “I thought it was just me and PornHub in that car,” said one excited driver. “Turns out, it was me, creampie bussy compilations, and Elon Musk lurking on a pervy nanny cam. So… this is unbelievably hot!”
The new Tesla update deactivates Autopilot features – unless the driver’s eyes are paying attention to the road and their hands are on the wheel. It also flips the script on Tesla’s dash cameras.
Previously thought to be safety features, these cameras will now broadcast live video feeds of inattentive drivers directly to Musk’s latest livestream project on X: Autopilot: The Roast.
Publicly Shamed for Bad Driving
Musk says he will not hold back.
Reportedly, in the first episode of Autopilot: The Roast, one driver was caught mid-snack when their Tesla Autopilot was deactivated. The car immediately swerved out of its lane, causing the driver to choke on a banana and then crash headfirst into a highway divider. After which Elon can clearly be heard shouting “what a total queermo!”
“Suddenly, I’m on a livestream, and Elon is mocking me while I have 7 inches of a banana wedged down my throat and the car loses control,” laughed the Tesla owner from the video. “I’m pretty sure he disabled the controls right then, manually, on purpose. Now I get hard every time I see a banana. God, I love Elon!”
Though mostly excited, Tesla owners are now grappling with the fact that the cameras – which exist in all Tesla vehicles – will continue to monitor them as part of a new system called “Elon’s Eye.” While previously hidden from Tesla’s safety package disclosure, Musk alleges the system’s only real purpose was to keep drivers not just physically but mentally in the driver’s seat.
“I Bought a Tesla to Avoid Driving—Now I Have to Pay Attention?!”
For many, the real shock isn’t the surveillance—it’s the realization that Autopilot is no longer providing a totally distracted ride. “If I wanted to pay attention to the road, I wouldn’t have spent $80,000 on a Tesla!” complained one of the few outraged owners. “I bought this car so it could drive me, not judge me. Is Elon going to lecture me about how I pick my nose and eat it too!? No really! Because I’ll do that if that’s what he wants. I’ll do it live. I’ll even eat his.”
Musk is unfazed by what little backlash he has received.
“Look, you bought cutting-edge technology, but that doesn’t mean you can just masturbate while it does the work,” he said, grinning. “So, until Autopilot is legal everywhere, you’re going to have to keep your eyes on the road and your hands off your chode. And if you can’t manage that? Well, let’s just say I’ll be watching!”
Personally Roasted & Shut Down by Elon Musk
Outcry certainly hasn’t deterred Musk—in fact, he now appears to be doubling down.
“This is like America’s Funniest Home Videos,” he posted on X, “but with more humiliation. If you’re a terrible driver, the world deserves to know… Unless you’re sexy, then maybe the Neuralink test monkeys and I will keep you to ourselves.”
Notably, Musk’s Autopilot: The Roast show will let people vote on the worst driver of the week. The “winner” will receive a special “Tesla Time-Out,” in which Musk will remotely disable their car, rendering it inoperable for seven days.
A Surge of Praise & Accidents
Countless Tesla and Musk supporters have voiced their opinion that the soon-to-be trillioinaire is a genius and knows what he is doing.
“Accountability has never been so fun!” Tesla owner Brian Thomlinson stated. “I eat, sleep, work, and workout in my Tesla now! It’s just reassuring to know that Elon could be watching. It actually gets me VERY excited! My penis leaks just thinking about getting in that car even though my wife took the kids and left!”
As of press time, the amount of Tesla-involved car accidents in the United States had increased by 1,487% as Tesla drivers – who already weren’t paying attention – started acting out in efforts to appear on Elon’s show.
One Tesla owner who wished to be identified by their license plate BOOT-LCKR, VIN 1HGBH41JXMN109186, and full name Andrew Tristan McDowell stated, “After I heard that Elon might be watching, I started doing these things. Like, I’ll get in the car and slowly strip off my clothes as I’m dancing to Elton John’s “Rocket Man”.
Or I’ll be moaning and rubbing my nipples while making sex eyes in the camera. Sometimes I’ll just hump the cupholders, or honk the steering wheel with my little pee-pee while doing and offering Elon ketamine. So far I’ve been in 3 hit-and-run accidents, and there’s drugs all over my car, but I don’t care. I just want Elon to notice me!”
As the accidents pile up, and Tesla drivers lose any sense of dignity or shame that could have possibly remained, Musk is hinting that more features may be coming.
“Tesla drivers will all experience skyrocketing car insurance rates, which got me thinking about money: ‘I could monetize all this driver footage I’ve collected over the years!’ So I’m going to do just that, and I’ll keep the money for myself, but show drivers how much money their content is making me. Since it was my idea, I know my real fans are fine with that.”