Category: News in Headlines
Man Doesn’t Get Why People Waste Money On Therapy When You Can Just Completely Lose It On National Television Instead
Counting Expert Called in to Solve Iowa Caucus Debacle
MLB releases hundreds of players from prison after league-wide decision to stop incarcerations for positive THC tests
Major League Baseball released 257 players from prison who were serving time for positive THC tests. The move comes after the league and player’s union decided jointly that they would no longer test players for the substance. What do you … Continue reading MLB releases hundreds of players from prison after league-wide decision to stop incarcerations for positive THC tests
Melania Trump uses her icy cold stare to activate her telekinesis and levitate an angel on top of the White House Christmas Tree
Disgruntled LASIK surgeon might just cut straight through to the brain this time
Cory Booker’s eyes pop out during Democratic Debate
Cory Booker’s eyes shot out of his skull with a sickening pop on live TV during MSNBCs Democratic Debate. The stomach-turning scene took place during a heated exchange between Booker and Senator Elizabeth Warren. Upon eyeball ejection, Booker immediately uttered, … Continue reading Cory Booker’s eyes pop out during Democratic Debate
GE Smart fridges threaten to tell health insurers what owners really eat if they don’t shop at Whole Foods
The Bureau of Consumer Protection says they’ve received over 2,400 reports claiming that the GE Smart wi-fi Enabled InstaView Door-in-Door® Refrigerator has blackmailed owners into purchasing food from Whole Foods. Authorities are now looking into the link between the two … Continue reading GE Smart fridges threaten to tell health insurers what owners really eat if they don’t shop at Whole Foods
New ‘Natural Feeding’ trend has parents puking on babies
The European trend of “natural feeding” has hit the US as parents across the country are pre-chewing, partially digesting, and then vomiting food onto their babies’ faces. The National Medical Association says they are still researching the potential negative impacts … Continue reading New ‘Natural Feeding’ trend has parents puking on babies
Gerbil in Bill Belichick’s ass makes coach smile for first time in 37 years
Snapshot: Newborns learn about beekeeping in Asheville, NC
Three week old Douglas Sommers learns about honeycombs at Asheville, North Carolina’s annual Babies and Bee’s Festival. Photo Credit: Sandra Jackson Continue reading Snapshot: Newborns learn about beekeeping in Asheville, NC
Director of National Intelligence late to hearing after spilling coffee on AAA TripTik map
Laura Ingraham does meth on live TV, then tries to conduct electricity using a steak
A tweaked-out Laura Ingraham ended her show on FOX News last night by smoking copious amounts of methamphetamines at her desk. She then wandered off set and came zooming back with a cold steak, plastic straws, and lightbulbs from the … Continue reading Laura Ingraham does meth on live TV, then tries to conduct electricity using a steak
Respectful gun enthusiasts are leaving their weapons unattended outside of stores
Gun lovers are showing their respect for new rules at stores across the nation by leaving their weapons unattended outside the front doors. At one point, a Walmart in Cypress, Texas had over 250 firearms stacked out front. Continue reading Respectful gun enthusiasts are leaving their weapons unattended outside of stores
Deutsche Bank says it has Giant Deutsche’s tax returns
FOX News gives Sarah Huckabee Sanders 705 days of back pay for work at White House
ABC just cast everyone who’s left the Trump administration to fill next 24 seasons of Dancing With The Stars
ABC’s Dancing With The Stars announced today that they’ve cast of all 290 people who’ve left the Trump administration to fill the talent slots for the show’s next 24 seasons. Continue reading ABC just cast everyone who’s left the Trump administration to fill next 24 seasons of Dancing With The Stars
3M revokes scotch tape sponsorship for Donald Trump’s ties
Multinational conglomerate 3M announced today that it’s parting ways with Donald Trump. The company says it will no longer sponsor or provide the president with free products to use as a tie clip. Continue reading 3M revokes scotch tape sponsorship for Donald Trump’s ties