Toby Keith just released his first single ‘Happy Birthday America’ from his new album Now That’s What I Call Whining: Volume 1 just in time for the Fourth of July. Unfortunately for Keith, he didn’t realize that the song was … Continue reading Toby Keith Releases Patriotic Song Dripping With Urination References
The International Olympic Committee banned US sprinter Sha’Carri Richardson from participating in events this year after she tested positive for THC. When issuing their decision, the committee said that the drug would give Richardson an unfair advantage. “The last thing … Continue reading Stoned Sprinter Given ‘Unfair Advantage’ By Trainer Waiting With Big Bag Of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos At Finish Line
Disgruntled Green Bay Packer’s quarterback Aaron Rodgers announced today that he plans to continue playing with the team despite major differences. Rodgers says he’s made this decision in order to ensure that he never faces the wrath of the Madden … Continue reading Aaron Rodgers Says He’s ‘Avoiding The Madden Curse’ By Continuing To Play For Green Bay Packers
Critics are calling it “the most enjoyable finale in history” as the Keeping Up With The Kardashians reality TV show ended today with Caitlyn Jenner losing control of her car, running the family over, swerving off of a cliff and … Continue reading Immeasurably Satisfying Keeping Up With The Kardashians Finale Depicts Every Cast Member Dying
The Food Network announced today that they have come to an agreement with Guy Fieri on a new contract after a two week long discussion and multiple doctor’s visits to check up on Fieri’s health. Because of test results, the … Continue reading Food Network Signs $80 Million Contract With Guy Fieri For 3-Years, Or Until Death By Heart Attack
Scientists have discovered that the former planet of Pluto has yet to complete an orbit since it was demoted to a dwarf planet in August of 2006. Many experts now say that Pluto is suffering from a phenomenon called perturbed … Continue reading Clearly Depressed, Pluto Has Yet To Complete A Single Orbit Since Demotion To Dwarf Planet
The team formerly known as the Los Angeles Dodgers now bears a slightly-adjusted, new name and team mascot. Now recognized as the Dogers, after Dogecoin became the team’s new sponsor, the new mascot will be the a Shiba Inu dog … Continue reading Dodgers Move Forward With Name Change After New Sponsorship By Dogecoin
English broadcaster and natural historian Sir David Attenborough has a new biopic coming out next year and he’s not pulling any punches. Reportedly, Attenborough was overheard today talking about how he had just finished filming birthday sex for the documentary. … Continue reading Sir David Attenborough Films Own Birthday Sex & Adds Narration For Upcoming Biopic
Kim Kardashian is now officially a sponsor for the plant-based meat company Beyond Meat in the first ever example of one giant pile of fake meat supporting another. Original photo credit for Beyond Meat Marco Verch, Kim Kardashian David Shankbone. Continue reading Beyond Meat Endorsed By Fellow Pile Of Fake Meat
Users of both Facebook and Instagram have reportedly been receiving a pop-up agreement with a cryptic message giving them the option to either share their worst secret, or be charged a fee to continue using the social media platforms. “To … Continue reading Facebook Threatens To Charge Users A Fee If They Don’t Share Their ‘Deepest, Darkest Secret’
Just hours after declaring that athletes should keep personal politics out of sports, former NFL quarterback Brett Favre sent a series of unsolicited sexual photos to several female sports journalists at both CNN and Fox News. According to recipients, the … Continue reading Brett Favre Reveals New ‘Shut Up About Politics’ Tattoo In Latest Dick Pic
Radio and TV personality Glenn Beck spent the better part of his radio show today reading the cover of Dr. Seuss’s One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish while sobbing uncontrollably. Beck’s emotional reading of the book cover lasted … Continue reading Glenn Beck Sobs Uncontrollably On Air While Reading One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish
The manufacturer of cocaine released a brief statement today cutting ties with their now-former spokesperson Donald Trump Jr. “We stand for responsible use of cocaine. A bump here, a line there. You know, a rail every once in awhile,” the … Continue reading Cocaine Drops Don Jr. As Official Spokesperson For Drug
Conservative extremist and radio shock jock Rush Limbaugh passed away today and has now been placed in his own personal limbo, indefinitely. The decision comes after both God and the Devil refused to take him. “He certainly doesn’t belong here,” … Continue reading Rush Limbaugh Forever Trapped in ‘Rush Limbo’ After Devil & God Both Refuse To Take Him
Billionaire Bill Gates is set to release a depressing new book next week titled ‘The Future Sucks: Why We Should Give Up Now’. Gates, who is typically known for his cautious optimism, says there’s no hope for humanity anymore. “If … Continue reading Bill Gates Says Everyone Must Eat Fake Meat By 2030 In New Book Titled ‘The Future Sucks: Why We Should Give Up Now’
As the clock ran out on Super Bowl LV, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid looked up at the scoreboard and said he knew deep down that something fishy was going on. “I felt sick to my stomach. There … Continue reading Chiefs Demand Investigation & Recount Of Points Scored In Super Bowl
