(Topeka, KS) Now eight months past the American Dental Association’s recommended three month replacement period, 34-year-old James Simmons’ filthy, discolored toothbrush just gained consciousness and immediately began screaming internally to be put out of its misery. “Kill me now! I’m … Continue reading Now Sentient, Toothbrush Screaming Internally to Be Thrown Out Already
Unsure of exactly what Columbus Day is, or how or why people celebrate it, local man Tim Morris of Delafield, Wisconsin says he’ll be absolutely livid if lawmakers remove the holiday. “This doesn’t impact Tim or anyone I know at … Continue reading Man Who Has Never Celebrated Columbus Day Says He’ll Be Livid if It’s Cancelled
(Grand Forks, North Dakota) Local man and archeologist Daniel Radsky finally cracked today and began digging up his flooring after giving in to a stir crazy madness caused by sheer boredom. “In retrospect, I should have focused on the basement,” … Continue reading Stir Crazy Archeologist Digs Up All of the Flooring in His House
Grisham is scheduled to take a crowbar to the face later today in an attempt to make her eye situation match that of Sanders. Continue reading Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham Masters Resting Bitch Face Just in Time to Replace Sarah Sanders
“The geriatric cyborgs have two convenient USB ports allowing customers to charge their phones,” Walmart CEO Doug McMillon stated.
Continue reading Walmart Implants Elderly Greeters With Robotic Parts
“Look people, this is ludicrous, Jesus was a white man,” said Kelly. Continue reading Pope Orders All ‘White Jesus’ Figures Removed from Churches
Essentially, the screen will intuitively “follow” the assigned user who will have a locator chip implanted in… Continue reading New Samsung Phone Screen Will Cover Entire Surface, and More