sentient toothbrush wants you to throw it out already

Now Sentient, Toothbrush Screaming Internally to Be Thrown Out Already

(Topeka, KS) Now eight months past the American Dental Association’s recommended three month replacement period, 34-year-old James Simmons’ filthy, discolored toothbrush just gained consciousness and immediately began screaming internally to be put out of its misery. “Kill me now! I’m … Continue reading Now Sentient, Toothbrush Screaming Internally to Be Thrown Out Already

Man Who Has Never Celebrated Columbus Day Says He’ll Be Livid if It’s Cancelled

Unsure of exactly what Columbus Day is, or how or why people celebrate it, local man Tim Morris of Delafield, Wisconsin says he’ll be absolutely livid if lawmakers remove the holiday. “This doesn’t impact Tim or anyone I know at … Continue reading Man Who Has Never Celebrated Columbus Day Says He’ll Be Livid if It’s Cancelled

Stir Crazy Archeologist Digs Up All of the Flooring in His House

(Grand Forks, North Dakota) Local man and archeologist Daniel Radsky finally cracked today and began digging up his flooring after giving in to a stir crazy madness caused by sheer boredom. “In retrospect, I should have focused on the basement,” … Continue reading Stir Crazy Archeologist Digs Up All of the Flooring in His House

Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham Masters Resting Bitch Face Just in Time to Replace Sarah Sanders

Grisham is scheduled to take a crowbar to the face later today in an attempt to make her eye situation match that of Sanders. Continue reading Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham Masters Resting Bitch Face Just in Time to Replace Sarah Sanders