Republicans voted today to block the release of the Epstein files after years of promising to expose an enormous ring of elite pedophiles. Party leaders say it was a “timing issue.”

“We would have totally voted to expose and prosecute these people, because nobody is above the law,” stated North Carolina Republican Virginia Fox. “But unfortunately the whole process took too long and by now we’ve already accepted quite a bit of money. It wouldn’t be fair to the pedophiles who already bribed us.”

Most Republicans in Congress agree.

“Common folk have no idea how hard it is to move huge sums of money,” confirmed Minnesota Republican Michelle Fischbach. “To prevent this kind of prolonged investigation in the future, and so nobody gets their hopes up for justice, we are excited to announce that Congress, the FBI, and the Department of Justice are now accepting $Trump cryptocurrency.”

As of press time, President Trump had signed an executive order making government bribes retroactively tax deductible.