Toys ‘R’ Us lands $16 million defense contract to monitor Canadian border with drones

(Infographics provided by White House) They’re back from the dead! Big box store Toys ‘R’ Us, who declared bankruptcy just last year, has signed a $16 million deal to supply the US government with drones to police the northern border. An initial order of 200,000 DJI Phantom 4 Quadcopters has already been placed. The number of drones means there will be one surveillance device stationed every 150 feet along the border. The drones will be remotely controlled by thousands of undocumented immigrant children whose cages have already been transported and placed into position. The drones themselves are equipped with water canons that will squirt at approaching Canadians to shoo them away.

Leonardo DiCaprio shows no remorse after burning down Texas de Brazil

Carlsbad, California – Famous actor, environmentalist, and man who really hates Brazil, Leonardo DiCaprio, completely torched a Texas de Brazil restaurant today after leaving a huge, $2,200 tip. Authorities say DiCaprio is being charged with arson. This news comes just months after the actor paid the World Wildlife Fund $500,000 to burn down all of Brazil’s Amazon Rainforest. Brazil’s president Jair Bolsonaro spoke out about the revelation. “The fires started by the World Wildlife Fund show that this group, which was founded in 1961 and typically works to preserve nature, will commit environmental atrocities if the price is right. Mr. DiCaprio has funded terrorism.” When reached for comment DiCaprio declined to speak with reporters, but later tweeted out: Photo credit KomuNews

Black Friday 2019 deemed a failure after stores report zero deaths

Big box stores, retail chains, and malls across the United States are calling Black Friday 2019 a “total and compete failure” after learning that no shopper or employee deaths have taken place. “We had 11 deaths in the past 12 years and now nothing. Folks just don’t seem to have that holiday spirit anymore,” Walmart CEO Doug McMillon stated. Retailers across the country are now expressing concern that holiday sales are headed for a slump. “Before the day is over. If we could see a fist fight over a children’s toy or maybe a parking lot shooting, or even a simple jewelry store robbery, then maybe, just maybe that would be a sign that there’s still some hope left.” Photo credit Ian Muttoo

Cheese Nips recalled because nobody fucking eats them

After purposely filling countless Cheese Nips boxes with shards of glass and plastic to test a theory that nobody actually eats them, parent company Mondelēz Global has now recalled the product from store shelves. “We wanted to see what happened if we loaded the snack boxes with sharp objects. So we did and then waited for consumer complaints,” CEO Nichols Wardski stated. “After going several months without a single death, injury or complaint, we admit that nobody is eating our pathetic, little cheesy nips.” When reached for comment, the company’s rival Cheez-It says they welcome the news as they’d secretly lost seven Competitor Product Testers to Cheese Nips-related injuries this month alone.

Chick-fil-A says they’ll stop exclusively killing and serving gay chickens

After decades or targeting the homosexual chicken community, Chick-fil-A says they’ll no longer actively source LGBTQ fowl to serve in their restaurants. The announcement comes as a shock to many, as the company had never mentioned the practice before. Meanwhile, the news has sparked outrage among the religious right who now have to come to terms with the fact that they’ve repeatedly put homosexual flesh inside of their mouths and swallowed every single time.

Tyson Foods releases new line of meat-based ice cream

Tyson Foods announced their new line of raw, meat-based ice cream products at a press conference today outside of their Springdale, Arkansas headquarters. The company, which is the largest seller of ground meat products in the United States, says the product was developed to make use of excess meat. “With so many people trying out plant-based products, we now have a growing surplus of raw meat,”Tyson Farms CEO Noel White stated. “This was the smartest way to still sell the product while keeping it fresher for longer.” White ended the press conference by telling the crowd to try all of their delicious flavors like Chocolate Cow Chunk, Banana Beef Foster, Peanut Butter Pig, or Classic Caramel Chicken.

Whole Foods overrun with live chickens after supplier forgets to kill them before delivering to stores

Whole Foods locations are teeming with loose chickens after Tyson Chicken farms forgot to slaughter the animals before shipping out nearly 2 million birds to the stores. “Admittedly, we missed some steps,” Tyson Foods CEO Donnie Smith stated. Meanwhile, Whole Foods is now boasting that customers can “catch their own truly free-range chickens” which now meander the store aisles and nest in their shelves. Whole Foods says they’ll continue the unintended experiment as customers have taken a liking to wrangling the chickens and later snapping their necks at checkout. If everything goes well, the grocery chain says guests will soon be able to wrestle down and slit the throats of pigs, cows and other livestock in the near future.

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