Olympian Who Accidentally Took Grandmother’s Medication Sets World Record For Slowest Bobsled Run

Ukrainian bobsledder Hilda Lunko set the world record for slowest bobsled run in the Olympics this past week after she accidentally took her grandmother’s performance destabilizing drugs shortly before the race. Lunko, who was the first Ukrainian female bobsledder to … Continue reading Olympian Who Accidentally Took Grandmother’s Medication Sets World Record For Slowest Bobsled Run

Melania Trump forces ‘money pills’ onto the USDA Nutrition Plate

The Trump administration announced today that pills filled with shredded money have been added to the official USDA Nutrition Plate at the request of Melania Trump. The First Lady says the president needs to ingest 16 of the money pills … Continue reading Melania Trump forces ‘money pills’ onto the USDA Nutrition Plate

Maker of Oxycontin offers 36 pills to every American to settle opioid lawsuits

Purdue Pharma, the makers of oxycontin, announced today that it is willing to settle thousands of lawsuits related to the opioid epidemic by giving Americans $12 billion worth of free pills. “There’s a lot of people in a lot of … Continue reading Maker of Oxycontin offers 36 pills to every American to settle opioid lawsuits

Massive Opium Fields to Be Burned Off in Wisconsin After Monsanto-Bayer Merger Fails

“Now it looks like we’re going to have to burn off about 16 square miles of mature opium crop. So if you live in the area, buckle the [expletive] up on Saturday.” Continue reading Massive Opium Fields to Be Burned Off in Wisconsin After Monsanto-Bayer Merger Fails

The NRA Spent Hundreds of Millions of Dollars on Viagra for Executives

“Because you can’t fire a gun in the bedroom, it can be very difficult for our members to achieve an erection without penis pills.” Continue reading The NRA Spent Hundreds of Millions of Dollars on Viagra for Executives