An in-depth study by the University of California-Berkeley revealed today that the number of Americans who drown in a swimming pool last year far surpassed the amount of people who have ever received any helpful advice from Dr. Phil. “In the United States alone, 3,536 people drown in a pool last year,” head researcher Brian Fardango stated. “While any number is too high when talking about death, this amount of pool-related deaths is still far higher than the number of people who have ever received useful advice from ‘Dr. Phil’ who is unlicensed to practice any form of medicine.” “Additionally, we estimate that of the 3,536 people who drown in a swimming pool last year, at least half of them met their demise by directly following advice from Dr. Phil himself,” Fardango stated. Researchers at Berkeley also noted that those who did claim to have benefit from Dr. Phil’s advice already had brain activity similar to those who had been found floating face-down in a swimming pool. Advertisements
Secretary of Commerce and ventriloquist dummy come-to-life Wilbur Ross publicly announced today that he prays the spread of the coronavirus will bring “death economy jobs” to America. “With the titilating prospect of the coronavirus becoming a global pandemic, citizens will be seeing more work opportunities,” Ross stated. “We’re talking jobs like funeral home manager, gravedigger, coffin designer, face mask and hazmat suit sellers. Hopefully Americans will be able to keep up with the demand.” As of press time, president Trump stated that he wanted to “push the little green start button on a gigantic crematorium machine, like all of the other great leaders have.”
US Steel, the nation’s second largest producer of steel, will be laying off over 200 employees as a way of celebrating the impacts of Trump’s tariffs. “We’re doing so well that we’ve fulfilled all the orders,” US Steel CEO David Burritt stated. “For the first time in our history we’re all caught up!” As part of the celebration, US Steel will have its 3,000-plus employees draw straws today to see who gets to go home early and permanently.
Notably, avocado pits are the perfect choking hazard for anyone that’s tired of living with their parents.
“At least 87% of lotion used by men is vigorously rubbed on less than 1% of their bodies.”
Maybe I give some intellectual property to China and maybe in return they build me a wall on the border using those Nike worker children. Can we do this? I don’t know folks, but we’re going to try.”
“Watch for the return of Toys “R” Trump, chains of Trumpback Steakhouse, Trumpley-Donaldson motorcycles and Old Trumpy Buffet.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders