In their latest move to combat the coronavirus, Germany has taken the most extreme measures to date by limiting gatherings to groups of two. “We are only pairing men and women with blond hair and blue eyes. No other congregating … Continue reading Germany Limits Gatherings to Two People With Blond Hair and Blue Eyes
Senator Lindsey Olin Graham, a Southern belle from the great state of South Carolina, suggested to the public today that they all head to the stables, hop on their favorite horse, and play a rousing game of polo. “A horseback … Continue reading Senator Lindsey Graham Suggests Americans Play ‘A Rousing Game of Polo’ to Stay Active, Sane
Slovenian gold digger Melania Trump apologized to the world today for her mentally-inferior husband and his repeated dog whistle of calling COVID-19 “The Chinese Virus”. “I do pretend to love Donald deeply. But I cannot, with what remaining conscience I … Continue reading Slovenian Gold Digger Apologizes For Husband Calling COVID-19 “The Chinese Virus”
The Center for Disease Control announced today that they will be coordinating efforts to get every American citizen a huge, inflatable bubble suit. The head of the CDC, Robert Redfield, spoke briefly on the decision. “Sure doors will have to … Continue reading CDC: ‘Get Used to Walking Around in One of These Fucking Things’
Livid with the inadequate response to the coronavirus, the Council of Susans & Karens – a highly organized group of unreasonably entitled and incomparably misguided people – began demanding to speak with the CEOs of the Norton and McAfee antivirus … Continue reading Council of Susans & Karens Demands Meeting With Heads of Norton, McAfee
United States Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Dr. Ben Carson, took a 45-minute power nap while on stage with Mike Pence and other experts who were delivering a White House briefing on the coronavirus. Carson, who sleeps 22 hours … Continue reading Dr. Ben Carson Falls Asleep During White House Briefing
With church services across the US cancelled and “God continuing to rightfully punish humans with the coronavirus,” Father Joseph Stevenson of St. Elmo’s Fire Church in Birmingham, Alabama decided to strip nude in his empty church and frolic about; just … Continue reading Priest Who Finally Has Church All to Himself Dances Around in the Nude
People across the United States are being asked to inform their apartment, townhouse, or condo neighbors if they plan on smoking marijuana. The odd request is so that panic doesn’t spread from hearing repeated, guttural coughing through the walls after … Continue reading Does Apartment 2B Have Coronavirus, Or Are They Just Huge Stoners?
(Portland, OR) Local woman Maria Sommers’ cell phone is currently covered in Coronavirus and patiently waiting in her pocket for her to pull it out for the 117th time today. Sommers, like most people, has no common sense or clue … Continue reading Cell Phone Covered in Coronavirus Waiting for Owner to Finish Washing Their Hands
The coronavirus-free states of Alaska, Montana, Alabama, Mississippi, West Virginia, and Maine have begun construction of their own border walls in order to keep people with the virus out. Alabama Governor Kay Ivey was very direct today when asked about … Continue reading Six of the Remaining States Without Coronavirus Begin Construction of Border Walls
Completely oblivious of the Coronavirus, Canadian rock band Nickelback has continued the United States leg of their “All the Right Reasons” world tour as the typical crowd size of seven people hasn’t dwindled since the outbreak began. Public health officials … Continue reading Unaware of Coronavirus, Nickelback Continues Tour of Playing to Empty Stadiums
(Denver, CO) Local man Peter Darling says the unadjustable, nearly-freezing cold water in his workplace restroom is most likely not killing off the Coronavirus, or any other germs for that matter. “If anything, we’re probably giving the virus a nice, … Continue reading Unadjustable, 40-Degree Tap Water at Work Isn’t Killing Anything
The largest chain of Italian-themed restaurants in the United States – Olive Garden – has placed all 840 of its locations under mandatory quarantine after Italian Premier Giuseppe Conte put a lockdown on travel across the entirety of Italy. The … Continue reading Quarantine of All Olive Gardens Begins as Brand Overdoes Authenticity
Leaders at the World Health Organization (WHO) pleaded with people across the globe today to stop rubbing their eyeballs together. WHO says the act is the fastest and easiest way to spread the coronavirus. “It’s common practice in many parts … Continue reading “Please Stop Rubbing Your Eyeballs Together,” WHO Pleads as Coronavirus Spreads
Scientists at the World Health Organization (WHO) announced today that internet celebrity Belle Delphine’s bathwater was the initial source of the coronavirus. According to the cosplay star’s website, Delphine has sold her dirty bathwater to fans across the globe – … Continue reading Belle Delphine’s Bathwater Identified as Source of Coronavirus
Secretary of Commerce and ventriloquist dummy come-to-life Wilbur Ross publicly announced today that he prays the spread of the coronavirus will bring “death economy jobs” to America. “With the titilating prospect of the coronavirus becoming a global pandemic, citizens will … Continue reading Coronavirus: ‘Death jobs’ are coming to America, Secretary of Commerce says
British Airways announced today that they’ll be denying all healthy passengers access to flights both to and from China. Instead, the company says it will offer flights exclusively to people infected with the coronavirus. “Our pilots, flight attendants, baggage handlers, … Continue reading British Airways will exclusively fly people infected with coronavirus to keep passengers safe
The first case of the coronavirus has hit the US and the Center for Disease Control has partnered with Corona Light to raise a glass and some awareness. The two organizations say the cure could be as simple as drinking … Continue reading CDC: An ice-cold, refreshing Corona Light could make you immune to the coronavirus
