A new poll on obesity by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, shows sixty-three percent of Americans would rather pee on Donald Trump every night for the rest of their lives than cook a healthy meal. “Most people said they’d prefer standing there, straddling the president and unleashing a stream of hot yellow Kool-Aid all over the commander in chief’s face and body,” CDC Director Robert Redfield stated. “So it’s going to take a lot more to get this obesity crisis turned around than anyone initially thought.” Advertisements
“We’re not sure where they come from, I have not clue how people are accidentally bringing them home, but we’re not – under any circumstance – accepting any returns.”
With Walmart and Kroger banning open carry in all of their stores, there are now over 25 different grocery chains that have limited people’s gun rights. Gun activists say there’s almost nowhere to use their weapons to kill and eat their food now. “For me it’s a comfort thing. I always shoot my meat before throwing it in the cart,” NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre stated. “You gotta make sure it’s dead before you touch it. Overall, the grocery store is a dangerous place.” With so many food stores banning open carry, many gun owners are afraid that they will no longer be respected in public out of fear alone. “My guns define who I am as a person, and that person is small, scared and insecure,” LaPierre stated. “If people aren’t nervous around me, then I really have no other redeeming qualities. What else am I supposed to do, and where else can gun owners hunt for food? It’s not like there’s some big, open land or forest we can go to.”
Popeyes is being accused of carrying out a covert operation designed to make their chicken sandwiches appear worthy of armed robbery. Popeyes says the alleged altercation took place last night as the fast food restaurant located in east Houston was closing. Competitor Chick-fil-A was quick to call bullshit on the incident with Wendy’s almost immediately following suit. Meanwhile, Wendy’s is rumored to be planning an extended standoff at one Atlanta location while the more extreme Chick-fil-A is seriously considering flying planes into competitor establishments.
Bring your kids in during the school day for some savory seafood as we assault your senses with garlic shrimp scampi, crunchy fiesta shrimp or sesame-ginger grilled shrimp.
The hair-covered confection comes with a prominent choking hazard warning as the company acknowledges that the hair can get lodged in the windpipe.
After a warm reception while testing out plant-based protein at an Atlanta location, KFC is completely switching over to imitation meat and changing its name to Kentucky Fried Chickpeas. The fast food restaurant cites lower costs and environmental reasons for making the switch. “Honestly, if people were willing to eat the trash we served before, then this transition should be painless” KFC CEO Roger Eaton stated. Meanwhile, an outraged President Trump – who normally eats KFC several times a day – has called for a boycott of the chain, calling the move ‘unfair’ and the food ‘fake meat.’