Chick-fil-A Announces It Will Open On Sundays, Be Run By Atheist Employees


The company is set to increase revenue by a staggering 37% by simply having their most competent employees run the store once a week.


Soccer Moms Are Drinking Purell to Take the Edge Off This Summer


“It’s hard to keep the kids clean and the depression buried deep, deep down inside. Purell lets you do both.”

‘Food Smellers’ Need to Stop Weirding-Out Normal Eaters


“People who have to smell their food before eating it are complete monsters.”

Japan Resumes Hunting of Overweight Citizens After 30-Year Ban


Japan will resume the commercial killing of overweight citizens in an effort to curb the population of the island and supplement dwindling soybean supplies.

Taco Bell Releases Cheese-Free Colon Cleanse Menu


“Without the cheese it just flows right through you.” – CEO Brian Niccols

Scientists End Debate: ‘Pineapple Belongs on Pizza if You Enjoy Pineapple on Pizza, You Shitheads’


“Science has confirmed that you all can shut the [expletive] up about it.”

%d bloggers like this: