British startup, StandardToilet, announced its latest product today: a toilet with a seat that angles 13-degrees downward; making sitting unbearable after just five minutes. With 89% of Americans saying they surf the web while on the toilet at work, experts … Continue reading A British startup company is selling a toilet that is unbearable to sit on after five minutes
(Brookfield, WI) A genderless, robotic Santa in Brookfield Square Mall is causing outrage among conservative customers who are demanding a traditional, white, human male Santa. What do you think? Continue reading A genderless, robotic Santa is driving people in a Wisconsin mall absolutely insane
Wikipedia has taken to blackmail in order to raise enough money to keep the non-profit, volunteer-based information site up and running. With the #11 landing page on the site being searches for xHamster, dads everywhere have begun reporting a threatening … Continue reading Desperate: Wikipedia threatens to tell family about xHamster searches if dad won’t donate $3
(Infographics provided by White House) They’re back from the dead! Big box store Toys ‘R’ Us, who declared bankruptcy just last year, has signed a $16 million deal to supply the US government with drones to police the northern border. … Continue reading Toys ‘R’ Us lands $16 million defense contract to monitor Canadian border with drones
Carlsbad, California – Famous actor, environmentalist, and man who really hates Brazil, Leonardo DiCaprio, completely torched a Texas de Brazil restaurant today after leaving a huge, $2,200 tip. Authorities say DiCaprio is being charged with arson. This news comes just … Continue reading Leonardo DiCaprio shows no remorse after burning down Texas de Brazil
Big box stores, retail chains, and malls across the United States are calling Black Friday 2019 a “total and compete failure” after learning that no shopper or employee deaths have taken place. “We had 11 deaths in the past 12 … Continue reading Black Friday 2019 deemed a failure after stores report zero deaths
After purposely filling countless Cheese Nips boxes with shards of glass and plastic to test a theory that nobody actually eats them, parent company Mondelēz Global has now recalled the product from store shelves. “We wanted to see what happened … Continue reading Cheese Nips recalled because nobody fucking eats them
After decades or targeting the homosexual chicken community, Chick-fil-A says they’ll no longer actively source LGBTQ fowl to serve in their restaurants. The announcement comes as a shock to many, as the company had never mentioned the practice before. Meanwhile, … Continue reading Chick-fil-A says they’ll stop exclusively killing and serving gay chickens
Tyson Foods announced their new line of raw, meat-based ice cream products at a press conference today outside of their Springdale, Arkansas headquarters. The company, which is the largest seller of ground meat products in the United States, says the … Continue reading Tyson Foods releases new line of meat-based ice cream
Whole Foods locations are teeming with loose chickens after Tyson Chicken farms forgot to slaughter the animals before shipping out nearly 2 million birds to the stores. “Admittedly, we missed some steps,” Tyson Foods CEO Donnie Smith stated. Meanwhile, Whole … Continue reading Whole Foods overrun with live chickens after supplier forgets to kill them before delivering to stores
According to Starbucks, their new red holiday cup has a secret message written on the very bottom. The writing can be seen on the cup when it’s filled with a hot liquid and tipped upside-down. Only then will customers see … Continue reading Starbucks’ red cups come with a secret message printed on the bottom
Google announced today that they’ve offered to buy Fitbit for $2.1 billion as soon as the company can isolate and remove all data derived from user masturbation. Google says they plan to implement the “fap-free data” in their wearable technology. … Continue reading Google: “We’ll buy Fitbit as soon as they remove all the masturbation data”
Mattel has announced a new line of inclusive, customizable, genderless dolls that welcome everyone to play with their toys. The new dolls do not feature breasts or other sex or gender-related characteristics – leaving conservative doll collectors furious. “My brain … Continue reading Mattel’s new genderless dolls are infuriating conservative collectors
Those wanting the new Apple Card will begin their contracts $2,000 in debt as the credit card is the first to require a starting balance. Savvy consumers will have the option to purchase an upgrade chip that lowers their APR … Continue reading New Apple Card costs $2000, has an optional add-on chip to lower APR by 1%
“It’s like an explosion of spoiled milk and beef jerky in my mouth!” Continue reading Planters re-releases original 1906 recipe of Warts & Peanuts for Halloween
Sucking on flavored condoms has made Mike Pence ill and killed at least six people after they choked on the prophylactics. In response, Congress is readying a ban on the tasty dick wrappers amid an unparalleled outbreak of safe oral … Continue reading Congress will ban flavored condom sales as blowjob epidemic grows
“We’re not sure where they come from, I have not clue how people are accidentally bringing them home, but we’re not – under any circumstance – accepting any returns.” Continue reading Duped at the deli counter? How to avoid coming home with a newborn baby again
Countless firearm fanatics are boycotting Walmart after the company ended some of its ammunition sales and banned customers from walking around the stores with their dicks out guns. Meanwhile, Arby’s hasn’t changed how they’ve been selling ammunition since they opened … Continue reading Boycotting Walmart? Take your sister to Arby’s for your next date instead
