In a move that has officially ended the Israeli-Palestinian War, President Joe Biden announced a groundbreaking deal with pharmaceutical giant Pfizer to mass-produce and distribute personal Gaza Strips to everyone involved in the conflict.
Speaking from the Rose Garden, President Biden lauded the initiative as a “monumental step forward in personal geography and international relations.” He continued, “We’ve had vaccines, we’ve had moon landings, and now, we have personal Gaza Strips. Every Israeli and Palestinian will have the opportunity to put a piece of one of the most contentious regions in the world, right on their nose.”
Pfizer, fresh off their COVID-19 vaccine successes, expressed their enthusiasm for the new project. Albert Bourla, CEO of Pfizer, commented, “We are proud to leverage our expertise in mRNA technology to create these miniature geopolitical hotspots. Each personal Gaza Strip will come complete with realistic features, including the smells and sounds of war, ensuring an authentic experience and reminding citizens what they are not missing out on.”
“These Gaza Strips are two-times more effective at improving inspiratory nasal airflow than Breathe Right Strips – allowing for increased blood flow to the brain, better decision-making skills, less anger, more rational thought, and thus less religion and violence,” Bourla added, “You’ll know it’s time to switch to a fresh Gaza Strip when it begins to let off a calming lavender and mint scent.”
“They aren’t just for show. We are sourcing actual materials from Gaza to ensure the highest level of authenticity and realism: There are real bits of women and children and shrapnel in each strip! Which really wasn’t hard to source; you just scoop up some dirt nearly anywhere. Plus, there’s tiny speakers! Smell and hear all the screams, pain, agony, smoke, and death! Authenticity was paramount!”
The boxes, which are marked as ‘Not for Sharing,’ ‘Finally a Personal, Fun Size!’ and ‘Keep it to Yourself!’ have stirred considerable debate. Critics argue that compartmentalizing such a serious and tragic conflict into a personal issue is both insensitive and insignificant.
“What we need is everyone insisting they are right and killing each other,” Lockheed Martin CEO Jim Taiclet confirmed.
“This is a gross trivialization of real human suffering,” said a Talclet added. “You can’t just shrink down a geopolitical crisis and expect people to learn anything meaningful from it. It has to remain ridiculous on a massive, expensive scale.”
However, the White House insists that the Personal Gaza Strips will foster a new era of understanding and empathy. “Imagine a world where everyone can end war all from the comfort of their own home, and then be able to keep their stupid opinions to themselves,” Biden concluded.
While the personal Gaza Strips are not yet available everywhere, rumors are swirling about possible upcoming releases, including “Mini Crimea” and “Pocket North Korea.”
As of press time, Biden was receiving the Nobel Prize for World Peace.
