(Rochester, MN) The Mayo Clinic medical center announced today that it is weighing the pros and cons of offering non-mayonnaise-based treatments for the first time in their 156 years of operation. “After reporting zero breakthroughs in our COVID-19 testing labs by injecting patients with mayonnaise, the Mayo Clinic is now strongly considering other forms of medicine that are not centered around this off-white, delicious condiment,” CEO Gregory Ferarra stated. The Mayo Clinic says this new mayo-free approach could also spread to their heart disease research program, which so far has seen a zero percent recovery rate for patients that are placed on a strict, mayonnaise-based diet. Advertisements
Major League Baseball released 257 players from prison who were serving time for positive THC tests. The move comes after the league and player’s union decided jointly that they would no longer test players for the substance. What do you think?
“There’s a lot of geography going on over there,” Trump stated. “So I’ll be aiming straight south so there’s no surprises.”
Scott Walker will now have to flush his system of illegal substances in order to qualify for unemployment assistance.