Mayo Clinic Considering Using Something Other Than Mayonnaise to Treat Patients


(Rochester, MN) The Mayo Clinic medical center announced today that it is weighing the pros and cons of offering non-mayonnaise-based treatments for the first time in their 156 years of operation. “After reporting zero breakthroughs in our COVID-19 testing labs by injecting patients with mayonnaise, the Mayo Clinic is now strongly considering other forms of medicine that are not centered around this off-white, delicious condiment,” CEO Gregory Ferarra stated. The Mayo Clinic says this new mayo-free approach could also spread to their heart disease research program, which so far has seen a zero percent recovery rate for patients that are placed on a strict, mayonnaise-based diet. Advertisements


MLB releases hundreds of players from prison after league-wide decision to stop incarcerations for positive THC tests


Major League Baseball released 257 players from prison who were serving time for positive THC tests. The move comes after the league and player’s union decided jointly that they would no longer test players for the substance. What do you think?

North Korea Invites Trump to Launch Next Round of Test Missiles


“There’s a lot of geography going on over there,” Trump stated. “So I’ll be aiming straight south so there’s no surprises.”

Scott Walker Begins Sobering Up to Qualify for Unemployment Assistance


Scott Walker will now have to flush his system of illegal substances in order to qualify for unemployment assistance.

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