Patriots Players Accuse Tom Brady of Sexual Misconduct

Several New England Patriots players have come forward, accusing star quarterback Tom Brady of lewd actions in the locker room. Head coach Bill Belichick has declined to comment until further investigation by the NFL, but said that Brady is still slated to start in the Super Bowl.

As a precaution, Brady will be given a locker farther away from other players and will be required to shower last and alone after the game.

“I don’t understand where these accusations are coming from,” stated Brady. “I like to have a little fun in the shower – you know – grab some butts, tweak some nipples, tap some balls – no big deal. These guys need to learn how to take a [sic] joke.”

Running back Rex Burkhead was one player who was willing to talk to the media.

“Tom’s a great player and all, but as soon as we get into the locker room he becomes a sex-crazed predator,” said Burkhead. “He touches my butt, a lot.”

Patriots kicker Rob Gostkowski has also decided to speak out.

“One time Tom forced me to hold still in the shower while he shaved my legs with a razor,” said Gostkowski. “Let’s just say that he didn’t stop at the knees.”

Currently, the NFL doesn’t have any rules regarding behavior in the locker room, but that might all change soon thanks to the brave players who have decided to come forward.

Take me to the MEMES!

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