Presidential candidate Joe Biden stated today at an Alabama rally that all of his easily-offended supporters need to stop saying that all Bernie Sanders supporters are internet trolls and bullies. “Bernie Sanders’ loudest and most controversial supporters represent less than … Continue reading Joe Biden Calls His Offended Base ‘Whiny Mooncalves’ For Complaining About Sanders Supporters
The Democratic Party will use yet another untested software in Nevada’s upcoming February 22nd caucus and many are concerned that the errors which surrounded deployment of the Iowa caucus app are being repeated once again. Countless caucus volunteers fear a … Continue reading Unfathomable: Nevada Voting App Will First Be Tested During the Caucus
Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg took to the stage at his Genoa, Nevada rally today having just learned he was polling in second place for the state’s upcoming February 22nd primary. The jubilant Mayor of South Bend, Indiana then inexplicably launched … Continue reading Pete Buttigieg Gives Presidential Acceptance Speech After Learning He’s Polling Second in Nevada Primary
Minnesota Senator and moderate presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar is one step closer to her dream of becoming Secretary of State after finishing third in the New Hampshire primary. A smiling Klobuchar told a crowd at her rally in South Carolina … Continue reading “It’s All Going According to Plan” Future Secretary of State Amy Klobuchar Says After 3rd Place Finish in New Hampshire
The voting app used for last night’s Iowa Caucus crashed multiple times after thousands of Russian hackers attempted to log in to vote at the same time. Now, Russian president Vladimir Putin is crying foul – calling the results “tainted” … Continue reading Iowa Caucus App Fails After Too Many Russians Log In at the Same Time
President Trump announced today that he will be reinstating “Don’t ask, don’t tell” (DADT), which was the official United States policy on military service by gays, bisexuals, and lesbians up until 2011. President Trump says the law will bar openly … Continue reading Trump to Reinstate ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ to Prevent a Buttigieg Presidency
During her closing statement at the Iowa Democratic Debate – and without warning – Senator Amy Klobuchar evolved into Klobucharizard; sprouting an additional head on her right shoulder all while shaking violently on stage. Continue reading Amy Klobuchar evolves into Klobucharizard on Democratic Debate stage
Pete Buttigieg just confirmed multiple reports regarding a 2019 meeting between himself and Bernie Sanders in which they disagreed on whether a bottom could win the 2020 presidential election. “Among the topics that came up was could a bottom win … Continue reading BREAKING: Pete Buttigieg confirms Bernie Sanders said he didn’t think a bottom could win the presidency
A new Des Moines Register/CNN/Mediacom Iowa Poll shows that 54% of likely male voters would be open to sleeping with Pete Buttigieg. What do you think? “If the timing were right, and I didn’t have these pesky kids, I’d give … Continue reading New poll shows most Iowa men are “open to” sleeping with Pete Buttigieg
Donald Trump announced today that he plans to run for President of Iran in the country’s 2021 election if current leader Hassan Rouhani doesn’t stop his attacks on US bases in Iraq. “I’m going to be the first man to … Continue reading Trump threatens to destroy Iran by becoming their president
Several presidential candidates have been funneling donations into private health savings accounts in order to pay for their personal healthcare and medical bills as they inch closer and closer to death each day. Donald Trump, age 73, lead in fundraising … Continue reading Elderly presidential candidates use millions in donations to pay for their personal medical bills
President Trump announced today that he may not participate in the 2020 Presidential Debates after realizing that he’s used up every last one of his best words. “I’ve said ’em all folks. All of my best, most tremendous words. Every … Continue reading President Trump says he might boycott 2020 debates after running out of “the best words”
While taking questions from the press outside of 10 Downing Street, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson shocked the crowd when he offered to teach Donald Trump how to win an election. “I’ll show Mr. Trump how it’s done without foreign … Continue reading Boris Johnson offers to teach Trump how to be an abrasive prick and still win an election without foreign interference
A wild beaver somehow managed to sneak into one of Elizabeth Warren’s campaign headquarters and corner the presidential front runner for over four hours this morning. Warren says she’s doing fine and that this wasn’t her first encounter with a … Continue reading A Beaver trapped Elizabeth Warren in the corner of her Indianapolis campaign office for four hours
Elizabeth Warren used National Coming Out Day as an opportunity to officially tell the world that she is both bisexual and polyamorous. The presidential front runner made the announcement on NPR. “I put the ‘B’ in LGBT,” Warren laughed. “I’m … Continue reading Elizabeth Warren reveals she’s bisexual and polyamorous on National Coming Out Day
Joe Biden announced his plan at the Democratic Debate last night to enhance learning opportunities for underprivileged children. The former vice president says, if elected, he’ll be providing everyone with a free gramophone and educational vinyl records that explain why … Continue reading Joe Biden: “When I’m elected everyone will get a free gramophone!”
With the Federal Election Commission vice chairman Matthew Petersen stepping down the FEC is effectively shutdown, leaving no one to enforce campaign finance law. Congress is now debating whether to approve $35 in funding to post a job on Craigslist … Continue reading Congress divided between total FEC shutdown or posting a job on Craigslist
