The Denver Broncos are in a rough spot today as all four of their quarterbacks were exposed to the coronavirus and must sit out of today’s game. Contact tracing is now leading the Broncos to believe that it was their … Continue reading Broncos Remove Open-Mouth Kissing From Practice After All 4 QBs Get COVID
Former NFL player and coach Mike Ditka says he’s having an increasingly difficult time achieving orgasm during the national anthem like he used to. Ditka says the reason for his troubles is that he’s become distracted by liberals sitting, keeling, … Continue reading Mike Ditka Says He’s Having a Hard Time Achieving Orgasm During the National Anthem
The Washington Redskins announced today that they’ve finally found a more fitting name for their organization after it was revealed that at least 15 women have reported instances of sexual harassment, including unwanted touching. The franchise says that after much … Continue reading Redskins Change Name to Washington Gropers
Well, it’s not what anyone expected, but it’s something. The Washington Redskins have announced that they will be keeping their original name, but changing their mascot to a red potato. “You’ll notice that the red potato has a red colored … Continue reading Washington Redskins Keep Their Original Name & Change Mascot to a Red Potato
The National Football League announced today that it will be playing three distinct audio files before each football game throughout the 2020 season. First, the black national anthem, second the Billy Bush-Access Hollywood tape in which president Trump says ‘Grab … Continue reading NFL Says It’s Going to Play Trump’s ‘Grab Her By the Pussy’ Tape Before Every Game
Countless white fans are itching for sports and their championship games to resume so that they have their own reason to loot and riot. One Philadelphia Eagles fan, Michael Hillard, says he’s been wanting to “fuck some shit up” for … Continue reading White People Long for Sports Championships to Resume So They Have a Reason to Riot Too
With the Cincinnati Bengals cutting Andy Dalton, the NFL says it has finally cleared the entire league of openly-redheaded players. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell praised the move by the Bengals, calling people with red hair a ‘distraction’. “We’ve been trying … Continue reading NFL Finally Rids League of Redheads After Bengals Cut Andy Dalton
Echoing the famous line from the 2005 hit film Brokeback Mountain, an emotional Rob Gronkowski announced his return to the NFL by telling former teammate and star quarterback Tom Brady that he was coming back just to be with him. … Continue reading ‘I Can’t Quit You!’ Gronkowski Tells Brady During NFL Comeback Announcement
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers finished removing air from all 1,340 of their practice footballs today after officially securing star quarterback Tom Brady for the next two years. “We’ve got that balls deflated down to 91% capacity, just like Tom Likes … Continue reading Buccaneers Finish Deflating Footballs in Preparation for Tom Brady’s Arrival
“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt Continue reading Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes Gives His MVP Trophy to a Nearby Native American Tribe
37 year-old Doug Martin of Torrance, California now deeply regrets inviting his parents over to his Super Bowl party after overhearing his mom Maurine Martin half-moan, half-whisper “I don’t care if he lost, that Jimmy Garoppolo can get it, get … Continue reading Son Overhears Mom whisper ‘That Jimmy Garoppolo Can Get It!’
New England Patriots videographer Brian Stewart was caught filming the 1-13 Cincinnati Bengals’ sideline today in an effort to learn how the Bengals could possibly be so bad. “There’s nothing to learn from the Bengals other than what not to … Continue reading Patriots caught filming Bengals sideline in order to learn how to never be as bad as Bengals
The NFL announced today that they’ve begun an investigation into the role of the so-called ‘Madden Curse’ in connection to concussions and other injuries. The league now believes that the curse extends to all players, not just those featured on … Continue reading NFL investigating role of the ‘Madden Curse’ in hundreds of concussions, injuries
Eli Manning has retired from the NFL after being replaced by rookie quarterback Daniel Jones. The two-time Super Bowl MVP inked a deal with GEICO within hours. “He may not be an NFL starter anymore, but we do believe he … Continue reading After being released by the NY Giants, Eli Manning immediately signs deal with GEICO
Ben Roethlisberger and Sean Spicer will team up for the foreseeable future as partners on Dancing With the Stars. The two will be the first same-sex couple to hit the dance floor in 27 seasons. Despite the incredible height and … Continue reading Ben Roethlisberger, who is out for the NFL season, is now paired with Sean Spicer on Dancing With the Stars
Another Tennessee Titans mascot has spontaneously combusted on live TV, the latest during last night’s game against the Indianapolis Colts. Investigators say this is the fifth T-Rac the raccoon to burst into flames without a know cause. Stadium Photo by … Continue reading Titans puzzled as yet another T-Rac the raccoon mascot spontaneously combusts on the sidelines
The NFL is in hot water again – this time for using human kidneys as football bladders which are used in official game balls during the regular and post-season. For 14 seasons the NFL has purchased over 3,500 kidneys on … Continue reading NFL buys 3,500 human kidneys for football bladders every year
