Judge Puts Kyle Rittenhouse On His Lap & Lets Him Bang Gavel For ‘Not Guilty’ Verdict

Continue reading Judge Puts Kyle Rittenhouse On His Lap & Lets Him Bang Gavel For ‘Not Guilty’ Verdict

capitol stormers wish theyd worn hoods like grandparents used to

Arrested Capitol Attackers Now Wish They’d Worn Hoods Like Their Grandparents

Citing a lack of anonymity as being their primary mistake, countless arrested domestic terrorists who stormed the Capitol now say they regret not wearing white, pointy hoods like their grandparents had during riots past. “Collectively, we should have learned from … Continue reading Arrested Capitol Attackers Now Wish They’d Worn Hoods Like Their Grandparents

‘Operation Legend’ Agents Now Have Brown Shirts, Red Armbands & a Special Salute

After public outcry over unidentifiable federal agents snagging protesters from their unmarked vans, Attorney General William Barr says that the agents will now be much, much easier for protesters to spot. “Those involved in Operation Legend will now be wearing … Continue reading ‘Operation Legend’ Agents Now Have Brown Shirts, Red Armbands & a Special Salute

Rioters Destroy Police Station, Leaving Just Three More Poorly-Disguised Horcruxes

Despite deadly counter-charms and curses, another horcrux was destroyed by rioters in Minneapolis last night. Witnesses say that the horcrux, which was poorly disguised as the Third Precinct Police Building, tried to protect itself by apparating countless angry men from … Continue reading Rioters Destroy Police Station, Leaving Just Three More Poorly-Disguised Horcruxes

White People Long for Sports Championships to Resume So They Have a Reason to Riot Too

Countless white fans are itching for sports and their championship games to resume so that they have their own reason to loot and riot. One Philadelphia Eagles fan, Michael Hillard, says he’s been wanting to “fuck some shit up” for … Continue reading White People Long for Sports Championships to Resume So They Have a Reason to Riot Too

Officer Shouts 'They've All Got a Gun!' While Planting Giant WWI Cannon in Crowd

Officer Shouts ‘They’ve All Got a Gun!’ After Wheeling WWI Canon Into Crowd

Police officers are under investigation for grand theft and possession of a prohibited weapon after wheeling a WWI cannon from nearby Gold Medal Park and leaving it in a crowd of protesters in downtown Minneapolis. Three officers have been put … Continue reading Officer Shouts ‘They’ve All Got a Gun!’ After Wheeling WWI Canon Into Crowd