Robert Mueller bowed out as FBI Director today and immediately announced his run for President of the United States as Trump’s only Republican challenger.

“I’ve got shit-ton of dirt on this clown,” a stone cold Mueller stated, “and you’ll get the full report through the debates.”

“So no questions today.” Mueller boomed with a cold, piercing stare before audibly cracking his neck to the left and then right.

Glaring and pointing directly at the camera, Mueller continued.

“I’m running for president because I have a very particular set of skills,” the 7-foot tall former FBI Director bellowed. “Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you, Mr. Trump.”

Mueller’s campaign will be managed by Hillary Clinton who says their approach will be “swift and merciless.”

“Donald is – by all accounts – unequivocally fucked.” Clinton confirmed via private email.

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