The oldest known material on Earth has been identified: a 7-billion-year-old pubic hair scientists believe may belong to God. The hair, which was found trapped in Antarctic ice, is causing many scientists to rethink their views on religion.
“We thought it was woolly mammoth fur. Turns out, it’s more celestial. Long ago this hair was most likely tucked away in God’s long, flowing, white robe,” National Science Foundation head researcher Brian Heckman stated. “It struck our planet half a century ago, perhaps after being plucked or shaved off by our merciful creator.”
Scientists say the follicle predates Earth itself, raising questions about who God was trying to impress. Researchers believe the finding will open doors to more religion-based science.
“This ancient, interstellar crotch crop, made of pre-solar proteins suggests there’s more to discover,” Heckman stated. “The universe could very well be filled with God’s toenail clippings, nose hairs, and dry skin; we just haven’t been looking for it.”
The Vatican has also confirmed the authenticity of the holy pubic hair, marking the discovery with a large ceremony.
“Hic pilus divinus pubis odorem lavandulae et menthae spirat; vere, sanctitatem redolentem,” stated Pope Leo XIV to reporters. Which translates to:
“This divine hair exhales the scent of lavender and mint; truly, it reeks of holiness.”
Vatican translators reportedly struggled with how to express “divine pubes” in formal Latin but ultimately settled on pilus divinus pubis. After brief consultation, Pope Leo XIV approved the phrasing with a solemn nod and a cross-shaped spritz of limited-edition Lavender Mint Holy-Water-Infused Febreze™.
“We were understandably cautious about accepting such an outlandish finding when the divine hair was first presented for inspection,” Pope Leo XIV said with a smile. “The scent prior to our Febreze partnership was both breathtaking and pungent… yet oddly familiar, further confirming that we are, unmistakably, made in His image.”
As of press time, millions had begun flocking to Vatican City just to catch a whiff of the favored follicle on sacred display.