Democrats threw Republican members of the House for a loop today when they caried out all of the impeachment proceedings in Spanish. Republican critics are calling the Democrat’s actions both an abuse of power and an obstruction of Congress. “We obviously couldn’t tell what we were voting on,” Republican Representative Kevin McCarthy stated. “So we waited to see if the Democrats were voting ‘Sí’ or ‘No’ and then just voted the opposite.” The strategy seems to have worked so far as Republicans only once accidentally voted ‘Sí’ on a motion to refer to president Trump as “la pequeña perra anaranjado.” Advertisements
President Trump announced today that he may not participate in the 2020 Presidential Debates after realizing that he’s used up every last one of his best words. “I’ve said ’em all folks. All of my best, most tremendous words. Every single one of them,” Trump stated. “Bigly, Nazzies, yuge, Chjy-na, covfefe; and anything I tried to say while my dentures were falling out. That’s all I got.”
British startup, StandardToilet, announced its latest product today: a toilet with a seat that angles 13-degrees downward; making sitting unbearable after just five minutes. With 89% of Americans saying they surf the web while on the toilet at work, experts say it’s only a matter of time before the product hits US workplaces. What do you think?
The Mormon Church broke news yesterday that they had amassed over $100 billion in a charity fund over the course of 22 years in order to buy every American “magical underwear”. “Made of unbleached cotton, these stylish full-body jockstraps make for wonderful enchanted undergarments,” Mormon leader Father Christopher Daniels told reporters. “They’re worn by superstars the likes of Mitt Romney and Donnie and Marie Osmond, so you’ll know you’re poppin’! Nothing says ‘I don’t know how sex works’ like this sleek and stylish design.” The church says deliveries of the magical underwear will begin on Christmas day. “Be sure to watch for us!” Father Daniels stated. “When you see two overtly bi-curious men come biking up your driveway – then smile – because that’s your underwear delivery!” Additionally, for just a $1,000 donation, the church says the delivery boys will personally put the underwear on you.
China announced today that it will be launching its first massive shuttle filled with hundreds of elderly citizens into a supermassive black hole. With China’s 65 and older population expected to reach 487 million, or nearly 35 percent by 2050, scientists say the new plan should be able to cut that number in half by 2036. By then, China estimates there will be 250 million corpses rocketing toward the black hole – an event that will mark the freest a Chinese citizen has ever been.
New England Patriots videographer Brian Stewart was caught filming the 1-13 Cincinnati Bengals’ sideline today in an effort to learn how the Bengals could possibly be so bad. “There’s nothing to learn from the Bengals other than what not to do,” Stewart stated. “We wanted to make sure that the Patriots are never as terrible as them.” As a penalty the NFL says it will give the Patriots’ opponents a 7-point lead to begin every game for the entire 2020-2021 season.
Without needing a hashtag to trend on Twitter, most Americans with any taste say they were already boycotting the Hallmark Channel by simply scrolling past it in the TV guide. Meanwhile, the remainder of Americans tuning in will be treated to this incredibly fucking diverse schedule today: