Angry Pope Francis Says ‘Cancel Mass, Read a Goddamned Bible Already!’

Pope Francis took time out of his weekly address today to tell priests and followers across the globe to “cancel mass, stay home, and read a goddamned Bible already!” “I’m most deeply saddened and ashamed for the priests who have … Continue reading Angry Pope Francis Says ‘Cancel Mass, Read a Goddamned Bible Already!’

Tech Companies Scramble to Reopen Offices so Workers Can Commute to Zoom Meetings

Despite being unable to utilize most office space or conference rooms, tech companies across the United States are pushing to reopen offices so that workers can commute to their Zoom meetings; serving as a firm reminder that employee autonomy only … Continue reading Tech Companies Scramble to Reopen Offices so Workers Can Commute to Zoom Meetings

Chloroform Drug Trials Prove Successful in Subduing Those Refusing to Socially Distance

Researchers are reporting that early trials with the drug chloroform have been successful in preventing the spread of COVID-19 by people refusing to follow social distancing rules. “The scientific community is optimistic that chloroform can help to subdue people who … Continue reading Chloroform Drug Trials Prove Successful in Subduing Those Refusing to Socially Distance

Churches Pushing to Open Doors Are Now Citing God’s Plan For Natural Selection

Churches across the world are pushing back against government orders forcing places of worship to remain closed during the coronavirus pandemic. The faithful are claiming that current regulations fly directly in the face of God, who should ultimately decide who … Continue reading Churches Pushing to Open Doors Are Now Citing God’s Plan For Natural Selection

Weekend Travel Plans Include the Possibility of Visiting the Living Room, Master Bedroom, and Back Porch

(Altoona, PA) Local man Dan Stephenson – whose entire family is under quarantine – dug up his old house floor plan in order to show his increasingly bored family all of the possibilities for where they can go this weekend. … Continue reading Weekend Travel Plans Include the Possibility of Visiting the Living Room, Master Bedroom, and Back Porch