‘A Few Children Left Behind Program’ Will Send Least Promising Kids to School to See If Classrooms Are Safe

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos announced her new ‘A Few Children Left Behind Program’ today which will allow schools to reopen on time in a limited capacity. Devos says that she’ll be sending the 10 least promising students per classroom … Continue reading ‘A Few Children Left Behind Program’ Will Send Least Promising Kids to School to See If Classrooms Are Safe

Disney World to Remain COVID-Free After Virus Admits It ‘Can’t Justify the Cost of a Day Pass’

(Orlando, FL) Disney World guests breathed a collective sigh of relief today as it was confirmed that the coronavirus would not be entering the gates of the world-famous amusement park. The news broke just moments ago when the virus itself … Continue reading Disney World to Remain COVID-Free After Virus Admits It ‘Can’t Justify the Cost of a Day Pass’

White House Stuns Press By Accidentally Acknowledging Existence of Science

White House Stuns Press By Accidentally Acknowledging Existence of Science

White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany shocked the press today when she accidentally acknowledged that science does in fact exist, but that it shouldn’t impact the decisions the nation makes during the pandemic. “A little thing called ‘science’ should not … Continue reading White House Stuns Press By Accidentally Acknowledging Existence of Science

Study: 1 in 3 Americans Too Stupid to Help Fight Pandemic

A recent study published by Princeton reveals that approximately 31% of Americans are not smart enough to understand how a virus spreads, why they should be wearing masks, or how their reckless behavior is forcing states to re-close businesses. “Not … Continue reading Study: 1 in 3 Americans Too Stupid to Help Fight Pandemic

Pence Reassures: ‘More Students Will Die From School Shootings Than COVID’

Mike Pence argued today that opening schools amidst the coronavirus pandemic is acceptable because “COVID-19 will still kill less children than school shootings this year, and we don’t do anything to prevent those.” “If you’re scared about your child getting … Continue reading Pence Reassures: ‘More Students Will Die From School Shootings Than COVID’