In an unprecedented and shocking revelation, Toyota Motor Corporation has issued a public apology after it was discovered that the company had been using live humans as crash test dummies since the 1970s.
“We deeply regret our actions and the impact it has had on the individuals involved,” said Toyota CEO Kōji Satō, bowing deeply as a sign of his contrition.
Satō remained bowing for the entire 11-minute apology, but his words were muffled, making it hard to hear.
After realizing this, in a display of unwavering commitment to tradition and remorse, he repeated the entire apology for another 11 minutes while bowing once more.
The scandal came to light when an anonymous whistleblower, codenamed “Airbag Andy,” leaked internal documents revealing that Toyota had been recruiting volunteers under the guise of a new reality TV show called “Crash Course: Survival of the Fittest.”
Participants were promised fame, fortune, and the thrill of a lifetime, only to find themselves strapped into vehicles for high-speed collision tests.
“We thought it was going to be like ‘Survivor’ meets ‘Top Gear,’” said one disillusioned participant. “Instead, it was more like ‘Mad Max’ meets ‘Saw.’”
Regulatory bodies worldwide have expressed outrage and disbelief at Toyota’s audacity. “This is a clear violation of human rights and safety regulations,” stated an official from the International Automotive Safety Organization.
“We will be conducting a thorough investigation and holding Toyota accountable for their actions.”
In a bold move, Toyota has announced a new and innovative approach to crash testing: switching to the use of cadavers from unclaimed bodies.
“We are proud to now lead the industry with our pioneering use of cadavers for crash tests,” declared Satō, while still bowing. “These individuals, who had no next of kin or claimants identify them within 24 hours of death, will now be part of groundbreaking advancements in automotive safety.”
Toyota has emphasized the benefits of this new approach, claiming it will provide even more accurate safety data while honoring the unclaimed by giving them a new purpose.
“This is a win-win situation,” the bowed Satō added. “We ensure the utmost safety for our customers while giving these unclaimed individuals a chance to finally contribute to society in a meaningful way.”
Toyota has promised to cease all live human crash tests by 2030 after they’ve killed enough people to switch over to cadavers. The company is also offering lifetime supplies of airbags and seatbelts to all affected surviving participants as a gesture of goodwill.
“We are committed to leading the industry with innovative and humane testing methods,” concluded Satō, finally rising from his bow. “Our dedication to safety and progress remains unwavering.