Strict ‘No Farting’ Policy Enforced in White House

President Donald Trump used a morning staff meeting today to address leaks that have plagued his administration since day one. In an impassioned speech, the President touched on many topics – concluding with the implementation of a strict ‘No Farting’ policy.

The new White House rule was accidentally released to the media by Press Secretary Sean Spicer when he mistakenly read an entire transcript from the private meeting to journalists.

“Look people. I will not tolerate the leaks,” said Trump.

“I will not tolerate the leaks to the news media. I will not tolerate leaks to your friends. To your family. The leaks to your dog. Your cat,” Trump said while pausing to glare around the room.

“Don’t think I don’t know, because I do. I really do. The WikiLeaks? That’s bad. It’s all bad: leaky tires, leaky cauldrons, the faucets. Faucets? Hate ’em. I don’t even want leaks from assholes. Won’t allow it. We’re getting rid of it. It’s gone. Got it?”

Unhappy staffers have already begun anonymously reporting an increasingly toxic atmosphere of paranoia, bloating, and extreme discomfort in the West Wing. Officials in different agencies have also suggested that the new rule is not conducive to a healthy work environment.

Additionally, Trump is searching for a way to tighten staffer sphincters to prevent farting, or “at least create a high-pitched, whistling sound that will help to identify who has farted.”

Several employees fear their office chairs, wallets, cell phones, or even underwear may be monitored – making them reluctant to let one rip – even when completely alone in a room.

Other sources say that limits imposed on the flow of gas have blindsided cabinet-level officials with loud, painful bouts of flatulence that have abruptly ended important meetings. There are now even reports of staffers creating secret “Safe Fart Spaces” that change location hourly.

Indeed, the palatable fear of getting caught farting or simply smelling afoul in the White House is so acute that some officials refuse to discuss issues face-to-face. Instead, many have opted to use smoke signals which serve the dual purpose of communicating while covering gaseous odors.

Others, however, stand in defiance of the new Trump farting policy.

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Reince Preibus

“There does have to be some degree of trust among colleagues in order to release certain kinds of farts. Like the long and rolling fart, the machine gun Betty, or the borderline-audible shart,” stated White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus. “But I refuse to take on additional anxiety by trying harder to hold them in.”

The Homeland Security Department has yet to respond to countless requests for comment as to why the White House would want to tighten control over bodily functions.

Foreign officials from Germany, China, and Mexico have come forward saying that they have ‘shown no reaction’ to President Trump’s frequent, audible farts while holding meetings and conversations with the President himself.

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President Xi Jinping

“I myself was in the presence of two very significant ‘Trump leaks’,” stated Xi Jinping, President of China. “One was like a never-ending snake ‘hisssss’ and the other sounded like he was in a bathtub, somehow. Yet, I politely gave no response. To me, this is a very odd, reactive move on his part,”

This isn’t the first time that a standing Republican President has meddled in flatulence.

In 1972, Richard Nixon’s administration infamously wiretapped opponent, Democratic Senator George McGovern, and released a 17-minute compilation of McGovern air-boxing his briefs with gas. Now referred to as ‘Watergate’ – because of McGovern’s wet-sounding farts – this notable incident is credited as having first sparked the conversation about fart shaming.

At press time, this was the only action taken by Trump that showed a concern for air pollution.

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