President Joe Biden announced today that he will personally certify the election of Senator J.D. Vance as President of the United States on January 6, 2025, citing Donald Trump’s disqualification under Section 3 of the 14th Amendment. 

The clause, originally drafted to keep Confederate leaders out of office, prevents anyone who has engaged in “insurrection or rebellion” against the United States from holding public office.

“Listen, folks,” Biden said leaning into the mic, “it’s right there in the Constitution. You can’t try to overthrow the government and then apply for its top job. That’s like trying to get a promotion after setting the break room on fire.”

Legal experts largely agree that Trump incited an insurrection on January 6th, 2021. 

“Section 3 of the 14th Amendment was tailor-made for situations like this,” said Professor Anyta Lawson of Georgetown University. “It’s not used often, but then again, insurrections aren’t exactly a daily occurrence.”

J.D. Vance seemed bewildered by the turn of events. “I, I guess I’ll take it?” he said in a statement to reporters. “I mean, I did compare him to Hitler and he has a ton of felonies.”

Meanwhile, Donald Trump called the decision “the most unfair application of the Constitution ever,” claiming the 14th Amendment is a “terrible, nasty little rule that nobody really reads.” 

“Even if it was an insurrection, it barely lasted longer than 4 hours! I don’t even call my doctor when Viagra lasts 8. No one around me can even tell.”

Trump supporters have vowed to hold their own certification ceremony at a nearby landscaping business, though confusion over who exactly would be certifying has slowed preparations, with some suggesting Kid Rock.

President Biden closed his remarks with a note of bipartisan hope. 

“This isn’t about Democrats or Republicans. It’s about following the Constitution. And if someone tries to overthrow democracy, well, they’re not getting the keys to the White House. Unless it’s to return a classified folder they stole. God bless America.”