With the 2016 Republican Presidential Campaign heating up, it appears that candidates Ben Carson and Donald Trump have truly won the hearts and minds of the majority of right-leaning Americans. So, you may be asking yourself, “What’s the difference between them?” – And – “How can I make up my mind?”

To help you make a sound decision, we’ve created this easy-to-follow article. Read on to learn more about this epic showdown:

At First Glance…

– Donald Trump is a wealthy billionaire who hates China and Mexico. Plus, he is going to force Mexico to build a wall across the southern U.S. border.

– Ben Carson is a soft-spoken neurosurgeon who absolutely loves guns and believes in a Biblical-based tithing tax law.

THE TAKEAWAY: Too close to call. Tie.

At Second Glance…

– Donald Trump speaks his mind openly and without filters – no matter what. Much like my drunk ex-husband.

– Ben Carson believes that the Holocaust would have been prevented if the Jews had been armed, and that no matter what your income is, you should pay 10% in taxes as the Bible states.

THE TAKEAWAY: Tip-of-the-hat to Trump. He’s refreshing and entertaining like a George W. Bush on steroids. Under Carson’s tax plan, someone making only $20,000 would have to pay $2,000 in taxes.

Let’s Have a 3rd Look…

– Ben Carson would likely be more calm and thoughtful before pressing the nuclear button; however, he doesn’t trust Muslims or believe that they should be allowed to be President of the United States.

– Donald Trump would press that button if anyone pissed him off.

THE TAKEAWAY: Another tie. Our main nuke-able enemies are Muslims right now so Carson is on point – even if we have to nuke the Muslims in America. Donald Trump could nuke the Chinese and wipe away our debt. He may even nuke Mexico to kill off those drug dealing rapists so that there’s still no border issue if they refuse to build the wall on their dime.

A Final Super-Official Physical Look…

– Ben Carson looks like an adorable, unassuming, stoned Teddy Ruxpin bear that may or may not have severely drained batteries or faulty wiring.

– Donald Trump has an appearance that looks like he ran over a Teddy Ruxpin and then bleached and super-glued it’s fur to his scalp. We aren’t sure why he’s orange with white splotches.

THE TAKEAWAY: A BIG hug for Ben Carson. He’s easier on the eyes, adorable when he expresses his opinions, and less likely to die from skin cancer.

So there you have it. If you’ve been keeping score it’s a statistical tie. I refuse to try to sway any of my readers toward Ben Carson or Donald Trump. In fact, perhaps you should consider voting for someone else entirely who has a real political background and ideas that don’t remind me of the things that mental health patients would yell (or whisper) when I worked as a nurse in a mental hospital.

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