Mitch McConnell Admits to Being 1/8th Turtle

Seventy-seven-year-old Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell admitted today that his great grandfather was a turtle and that his race means no harm to the United States of America.

mcConnel admits to being 1/8th turtle

Suspicions first arose when fellow congressmen and women noticed McConnell would put objects he wasn’t familiar with in his mouth, a behavior common among turtles and some crocodiles. In fact, one time while on the Senate floor, McConnell showed aggression toward a glove.

Additionally, an anonymous McConnell staffer said when he was first elected, McConnell declined having a desk and instead opted for a giant artificial rock and heat lamp. This is where the Senator spends most of his working hours; sleeping on a rock. Only rarely getting up to urinate or defecate in the corner of his office.

Mitch McConnell is a Toothless Turtle
Lacking teeth, McConnell often struggles to eat a meal or drink water from a glass.

“The thing that really solidified my suspicions were his turtle-like jowls,” said Texas Senator Ted Cruz (R). “I mean, I grew up in Texas, and I’ve seen my fair share of turtles. That’s a fucking turtle.”

Polling shows that Kentuckians still support McConnell.


“In common public opinion, turtles are just cold-blooded, unthinking and unfeeling creatures,” University of Kentucky Herpetology professor Horace Bartjis stated. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.”

Fellow Republicans say they plan to flip McConnell on his back tomorrow to determine his sex.

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3 thoughts on “Mitch McConnell Admits to Being 1/8th Turtle

  1. Calling my friends turtles won’t stop me from running for president… Although I was thinking we should bulldoze some more wetlands to construct more corporate chains and produce more minimum wage jobs. Turtles like wetlands though…

    1. Hahahahaha aren’t you still rubbing shoulders with the CEO of Gogebic? I know you didn’t get to build the largest open pit ore mine in North America on the tributary waters of the bad land reservation. I’m glad you didn’t break a treaty Wisconsin signed in 1844 by taking land from them for this mine. Things could have gotten ugly around here. Do me a favor and tell the koch brothers to choke on their Rib Eye for me.

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