BREAKING: White House Sources – Trump Has Awful Stroke

(Palm Beach, FL) Sources inside of the White House have confirmed: President Donald J. Trump has terrible stroke.

News outlets have been scrambling for clarity on this as more details come forward. Some sources are citing the president’s poor diet, mental, and physical health as likely contributors to what is being described as “a tragic stroke”.

“I would always tell him that it’s not a good idea to eat a ‘snack’ before, during, and after each attempted shot at one of his world-renowned golf courses,” stated former White House Chief of Staff Reince Preibus, “But, sure enough, he’d be wolfing down hot dogs, double-double bacon cheeseburgers, chili cheese fries, 3-scoop hot fudge sundaes… you name it, he’d have it brought in on a helicopter at each hole.”

On the condition of anonymity, a White House staffer described what Trump’s stroke was like to witness.

“We were out there and you could immediately tell that something was wrong,” they stated.

Indeed, the president had just polished off an extra large hot fudge sundae and a 2/3rd-pound Monster Thickburger: a legendarily unhealthy fast food item.

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A Hardee’s 2/3rd-pound Monster Thickburger contains 1,340 calories, 96 grams of fat, 34 grams of saturated fat, 275 milligrams of cholesterol, and 3,130 milligrams of sodium – more than double the American Heart Association’s suggested daily intake. Trump eats 7 to 9 of these during 18 holes of golf.

“We then changed his mayo, ice cream, and grease-stained shirt – as is customary. Moments later, it happened. It was one of the worst strokes I’ve ever seen.”

Dr. Victoria Urustia, Director of The Comprehensive Stroke Center at Johns Hopkins Hospital, says that Trump’s stroke really wasn’t hard to predict because “all of the warning signs were already there.”

“It’s not really a surprise,” said Urustia, “Donald was already displaying many signs that he would have a bad stroke due to previous behaviors, and a clear unwillingness to learn.”

Dr. Urustia pointed to the president’s prior episodes of obvious numbness, weakness, confusion, trouble speaking or understanding, and blurred vision.

“We’ve seen (Trump) – over the years – having shown extreme numbness to important moral issues and obvious displays of mental weakness; bordering on being devoid of any judgement skills,” stated Urustia. “What’s more, conclusive research shows that this happens on the right side much more frequently than the left. ”

Prior to witnessing his stroke, staffers reported that “Donald was frequently seen having severe difficulty speaking coherently, seeing clearly, or listening to much of anything or anyone.”

“Everything he does, he does it like he has constant, blurry vision so it’s not surprising that he also happens to have an awful stroke when he golfs.”

“He waddles to his ball like he wears a dirty adult diaper and – when tired – he insists on crawling up any grade steeper than about 3%. Sometimes, he will just swing at the ball while still lying on the ground.” – Japanese Prime Minister Shinzō Abe
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“Donald’s warm-up routine was just a solid 30 minutes of him swinging a 9-iron like a baseball bat and talking about how the MLB was better before they allowed blacks to play. It’s not wonder he has an awful stroke.” – Rory McIlroy, Professional Golfer
President Trump still plays with the set of clubs and customized club covers that Steve Bannon gave him on inauguration day, despite having fired Bannon recently.

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