There have been several unconfirmed reports of an orange-ish figure in a black, flowing cloak wandering in Manhattan, New York. The specter appears to be targeting Fox News host Megyn Kelly by leaving a wide variety of arguably sexist things in the Central Park – which is right across the street from her loft apartment – and other items at her dwelling itself.
“One of my neighbors first called me a few weeks ago and told me that they had found a box of tampons in the park that had my name crudely drawn on it with a permanent marker,” stated Kelly. “Besides my name, the message also said, ‘here’s some free one’s, since it’s apparently ALWAYS that time of the month, BITCH’!”
Kelly states that she immediately narrowed down the possible culprit to being “a sexist male, or maybe anyone who strongly follows The Old Testament during that time of the month,” but couldn’t name a person who would take the time to do such a thing.
She hoped that would be the end of it, but Megyn said that 4 days later she was in the park with her husband when a cloaked, orange-ish individual sprayed her with a douching mechanism full of pink moscato.
“Here’s where I confirmed that it was a male because the figure had a deeper voice when they called me a ‘hUUUGE douche’ – and then ran to a limo and drove away.”
Just two nights later, Kelly said that she heard a noise outside of her door and looked through the peephole.
“It was that same fake-tan-colored cloaked phantom. He bent over and slid this envelope full of fake Planned Parenthood coupons under the door. I open the envelope and it had offensive coupons in it that said things like ‘One more abortion and you’ll get your 10th FREE!!!’ I was livid!” stated Kelly. “If you’re going to stalk me, you should know that I already used that coupon!!!”
The next morning Kelly found a mannequin in a French maid’s outfit on the ground outside of her door with copious amounts of Vagisil smeared on it and a note that said, “Oh look! I didn’t leave the tube and you know – immediately know what Vagisil smells like! Ya sourdough bread factory!!!”
Finally, the latest occurrence took place when Kelly was headed home, walking past the park, and she saw something new.
“I thought that they had added new playground equipment, but when I got closer I saw that someone had set up an entire kitchen with top-of-the-line stainless steel appliances. I also noticed that they had chained an ankle-locking device to the stove and that the fridge was full of sandwich ingredients. The only message was found etched on the fridge and read ‘welcome home, ya blonde, skanky BIMBO!”
By this point Megyn Kelly, who had already been given police surveillance help, was being followed by members of the NYPD. When authorities tried to catch the cloaked, orange-ish man – who had been watching from the monkey bars – they failed, but did find what they are describing in official reports as a blonde-ish, troll-like toupee left behind on the ground. The figure reportedly alluded them while yelling “I’m fucking hUUUUGE!”
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