During his daily briefing with the press today, president Trump announced he had signed an executive order allowing the government to completely demolish nearly 8,000 Curves locations across the US. The president claims the move is the “next logical step” in the ongoing fight against coronavirus.

“You keep hearing the experts say ‘We’ve got to flatten the curve! We have to flatten it!’ Right? Well it turns out that a simple Google search shows that we’ve got Curves all over the United States. Right in our own backyards! It’s crazy!” Trump shouted. “So today I signed an executive order to completely level all Curves in the country – whether or not there’s fat women inside. It’s gotta be done folks.”