Although he has denied ever drugging or raping any women, Bill Cosby has now admitted to purchasing and using date rape drugs on Subway’s spokesperson Jared Fogle. The shocking admission of guilt has left child pornography suspect Jared Fogle in the clear, but also with many questions.

“I had been friends with Bill for around 16 years,” stated Fogle. “He contacted me one day out-of-the-blue just to tell me that my goals and perseverance had inspired him. But I could never figure out why I’d almost always just wake up a few hours after he’d come over and he’d be gone.”

Fogle said that he also noticed that Cosby, or someone, had been on his computer because the screen saver was always changed to a photo of Bill Cosby’s face which would slowly move around as it “bounced” off of the sides of the screen.

“He’d make these really great drinks that he called ‘Cosby Sunrises’ and he would never let me see what he put in them, but damn they tasted so good!” stated Fogle.

According to top authorities at the FBI, they had monitored activity on various child pornography sites that linked the Fogle residence to possible wrongdoing. Upon confiscation, they found several different encrypted files on Fogle’s computer which contained the now-known child pornography files. Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation James Comey stated the following.

“They all had names that would not tip you off to being related to the sexual abuse of children. I’m talking things like ‘Pudding-Tho,’ ‘Jell-O-Jigglers,’ and ‘More-Pudding-Recipes,'” stated Comey.

“It wasn’t until one of our team members saw a file named ‘Rudy-Huxtablow’ that we decided to delve further. Once Jared told us about his odd relationship with Cosby and what would happen consistently during their meetings, we decided to check the home for DNA. Needless to say, there was Cosby jizz everywhere.”

The FBI has also stated in a release that they believe the main reason Jared lost so much weight had nothing to do with a so-called Subway Diet, but rather being repeatedly drugged and taken advantage of – which made him miss countless meals while unknowingly burning thousands and thousands of calories.

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(Photo of Jared Fogle by Late1 – no endorsement implied)