With the holiday season upon us here in the United States, it’s time to start thinking about which elderly or annoying relative you want to recycle this year. Here are some rules and tips for the annual Relative Recycling tradition.

Option #1: Use Your Yard Waste Container

Be sure to cut the limbs off of your relative so that they fit into your yard waste container entirely. This will also make it easier for the body to slide out and into the garbage truck without creating a messy hassle. You do not have to call for pickup, but be sure to keep the lid closed so that wild animals and birds do not eat the recycled relative’s body. You do want to be respectful after all.

Option #2: Place Your Relative Alongside Your Other Waste Containers

Again, with this option there is no need to call for a pickup. Waste management will respectfully retrieve your recycled relative on your regularly scheduled day – December 26th through January 9th. Since they will be mulched, remove all clothing and jewelry to avoid jamming or damaging the blades. Remember, any relatives over 6-feet tall will need to be cut in half. Be sure to cover the relative’s body with apple bitters spray to deter any animals from gnawing on their corpse.

Additional Guidance

– Remember that it is illegal to recycle any relatives under the age of 33 due to the fact that they still have the chance of turning their life around.

– The recycling vote must pass by a simple majority.

– The votes of children ages 2 to 5 count as two votes.

– Selected relatives do not have to be told why they were chosen, but they must guess the reasons and make a case against being recycled.

– It doesn’t matter what the selected relative says.

– If the relative insists on knowing why they were chosen, only someone under the age of 6 is allowed to explain why they personally think they are being recycled.

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