A bill proposed by Utah Senator Mike Lee that would ban pornography nationwide hit an unexpected and strange wall of opposition today.
The bill – formally titled the Combating Risqué Internet Nastiness & Gross Erotica (C.R.I.N.G.E.) Act – was expected to slide easily through a Republican-majority vote. Instead, it has become the site of a solo, increasingly unhinged filibuster by South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham.
When Lee’s C.R.I.N.G.E. Act was introduced to the floor, Graham immediately hollered, “Permission to speak freely?!” in a tone best described as equal parts dramatic, primal, and lightly trembling.
Presiding Officer John Cornyn looked up from his worn copy of Project 2025, stared at Graham, sighed, and said, “Fine. But I better not regret this.”
That was all Graham needed.
He took the floor, loosened his tie, unbuckled his belt and began what appeared to be an unprepared yet deeply impassioned speech.
“I have always been a huge proponent of freedom,” Graham began, sweating immediately. “But I, personally, have never even considered looking up anything obscene, arousing, indecent, crude, suggestive, lewd, dirty, twink-related, vulgar, filthy, smutty, erotic, BDSM, titillating, otter – hold, hold on -”
He paused to wipe his brow with a monogrammed Andrew Christian handkerchief, then absentmindedly rubbed his chest for several seconds before muttering, “It’s always the left nipple.”
“Look. I would never look up off-color, sexy, risqué, leather bear, adult, X-rated, hardcore – or, especially, boring softcore content – while at work,” he said before quickly adding. “Or anywhere! Because we all know that’s not ethical. C’mon, people! This law is pointless!”
The visibly flushed and flustered senator refused to yield the floor as John Cornyn quietly begged him to stop.
“It’s still too hard… and too sticky of a situation to walk away from the podium,” Graham stated, gripping the lectern with two trembling hands.
Now in his second day of filibustering – and still standing erect – Graham has requested to be surrounded by “privacy curtains like at the hospital,” along with demanding a connected power strip, phone charger, a Costco tub of Jergens baby oil, three extra large cucumbers, and “whatever the Wi-Fi password is in this place.”
Moments later, Graham escalated his defense of “American liberties” by demanding a full forensic audit of Senator Mike Lee’s personal and work computer search histories – as he held up what appeared to be Lee’s cell phone and laptop.
“If we’re banning porn, I think the American people deserve to know who’s been googling ‘Amish step-brothers caught in the barn’ at 2:14 AM,” Graham shouted.
Despite the prolonged chaos, several Republican senators have now come forward in support of Graham’s efforts.
“Look, I stand with Lindsey,” said Senator Ted Cruz while quickly minimizing a browser window. “But, to be clear, we’re all looking this stuff up for a reason. How else are we supposed to know what the gays are up to – especially the transgendering drag queens? How do we know what they’re doing wrong if we can’t watch it?”
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