CDC Director Says ‘Mmmmph Mmrrghgg Mmm!’ on Schools Reopening

The Director of the CDC, Robert Redfield, took questions on schools reopening this morning alongside Donald Trump during an odd White House Press conference at which he wore a leather and rubber ball gag.

“He couldn’t find his mask, but Mike (Pence) had a spare one of these,” Trump explained on behalf of Redfield. “So if anyone has questions for Mr. Redfield, just go ahead and ask and I’ll be more than happy to interpret what he’s saying.”

A member from the press then asked the CDC Director if he thought that schools should be opening on schedule.

“Mmmmph Mmrrghgg Mmm!” Redfield moaned while shaking his head, “Hhhhmmmmmphhh mmmmhhmmm hmmmgrrmm!”

“He’s saying that all of the beautiful science he’s doing shows that we can reopen the schools!” Trump smiled. “And that we’re doing such a tremendous job that if we wanted to, we could open them early! Maybe even next week! Wow! How about that folks?!”

As of press time the White House had released a statement on behalf of the CDC stating that Redfield now preferred the ball gag and that he’d be wearing one for the foreseeable future.

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