“Wrap the baby beautifully in a flour tortilla and toss it in the oven,” Trump stated while wiping saliva from his chin. “If you do all of that, then maybe I take a little bite. A nibble. I don’t know. I don’t know.” Continue reading Trump Says He Wonders What Babies Taste Like at Wisconsin Rally
Elizabeth Warren announced today at a campaign rally that she is “ready and willing” to divorce her husband of 39 years and marry her “lifelong best friend Barb.” Continue reading Elizabeth Warren Says She’ll Divorce Her Husband and Marry a Woman to Win the Presidency
“Watch for the return of Toys “R” Trump, chains of Trumpback Steakhouse, Trumpley-Donaldson motorcycles and Old Trumpy Buffet.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders Continue reading Trump Opens Marketing Company Called ‘Trump Consultation by Trump’
“It’s not uncommon for the President to fart himself awake. Then, when he can’t fall back asleep, Mr. Trump passes the time on Twitter.” Continue reading Mueller Report Says President Trump has a Severe Flatulence Problem
“We’re not saying that blind people should encircle DeVos and beat her with their white canes,” the statement read. “But we’re not, not saying it either.” Continue reading Special Olympics Revokes Betsy DeVos’ Participation Trophies
“This is Trump’s 4th fake marriage, but the first one that makes sense.” Continue reading Trump Marries Kellyanne Conway, Calls Her Ex-Husband a [Expletive]-Faced Monkey-[Expletive]
“If you’re banned you’ll be relocated to a garbage island off the coast of New Jersey.” – Nancy Pelosi Continue reading Breaking: Extremism Ban Passes US House & Senate
“Mr. Trump rationalized eating 17 apple pies before vomiting all over himself and his desk. It makes sense to us, but we don’t expect the mainstream media to get it.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders Continue reading Trump Eats 17 McDonald’s Apple Pies for Pi Day
“You’ve got some bad drivers down here in Opelika!” Continue reading 27 Cars Nearly Crash Into President Trump’s Motorcade
“It’s convoluted as [expletive]!” Senator Bernie Sanders stated. “The document obsesses over mechanical pencils and references outdated world news without context, but oddly enough everything ‘Trump’ now makes sense.” Continue reading Leaked! White House Security Briefing Shows Insanity in Trump Administration
Trump said that the new complex would be “an experiment representing a new approach for overhauling the prison system and has nothing to do with Michael Cohen’s testimony.” Continue reading Trump is Building a ‘Golden, Mansion-Style Prison’
Democrats are trying to persuade Melania Trump to bring the president to mindblowing climax. Continue reading Democrats Are Lobbying Melania Trump to Have Sex With the President
“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,” Continue reading A Face-Licking Epidemic is Freaking Out Floridians
“Now, when I place Sajid in a crouching position behind me I’ll look for a confused expression on the president’s face. Soon thereafter – and here’s where it gets interesting – Sajid will pop out from behind me and…” Continue reading Democrats Will be Testing Trump’s Grasp of Object Permanence Tonight by Bringing Real People to The State of The Union Address
“I think that my aunt needing 57 stitches in the buttcheeks and rectal region is a strong selling point for the product.” – Kholer President & CEO Continue reading Demand for Structurally-Reinforced Toilets Spikes as More Obese Americans Poop With Their Smart Phones
“I’ve been calling it ‘Global Warming,’ but that’s just a trick folks; a term I use to make snowball jokes. My God, I’m so stupid.” Continue reading Trump Admits ‘The Polar Vortex is Caused by Climate Change’
“Nick will be up there competing for the same oxygen supply as the President for roughly an hour.” Continue reading President Trump Has Invited Nick Sandmann to Stand Six Inches From His Face at the State of The Union Address
“We wanted to name it something to do with the color blue, because the ocean is blue, even from space. In the end we settled on Whale Force and I think that’s just fine.” Continue reading US Announces ‘Whale Force’ Military Division
