Leaders of Catholic Church Gather to Watch ‘Men in Black II’ & Build Memory-Erasing Machine

“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.

Samsung Announces its Cheaper, Single-Use Galaxy 1-Fold

“This bendable phone comes with all of the same features as the Galaxy Fold, but the device can only be folded in half one time,” Samsung CEO Kim Suk stated.

Freeloaders Donate Record Amount to Crazy Socialist Bernie Sanders

“Crazy Bernie wants people working 40+ hours a week to be able to pay bills, not rely on our perfectly good government programs that the middle class funds. That’s crazy Bernie for ya. So Un-American folks!” – Trump

Sexist Liberals Divide Party by Excluding “Bernie Hoes”

“The left prides itself on inclusivity, but here I am having to scream ‘DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY GENDER!?'”

Trump: “Let’s All Just Say Half of the Pledge and Call It a Day”

“I’d be fine if Americans just recited half of the Pledge of Allegiance and then carried on with school or whatever.” – Trump

Senator Cory Booker & Elmo Remind Americans: “Despite Incredibly Hot Beard, Ted Cruz is Still a Douche”


Booker’s 15 minute ventriloquism act included a perfectly performed impersonation of Sesame Street’s best-known character.

Mars Rover Found Dead From Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation


“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.”

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